As Fate Would Have It: Winter TV Scorecard

It's that time of the year where the Fall and Winter TV shows have aired their season and sometimes series finales. The networks are all giving their thumbs up for a renewal or the thumbs down to strike the final death blow. There were a few rumors that some of the series on the chopping block were getting consideration from Netflix but so far, none of these have turned out. Before we get to the real meat of this by looking at how my predictions went, I'd like to take a look back at one of my favorite shows of all time, ending this season.

Unfortunately it's time to bid a fond farewell to Dr. Gregory House. His sarcasm has been with all of us for 8 great seasons. He gave sarcastic assholes like me an idol to look up to plus plenty of material to hone our craft. Here's a great video that displays some of the best moments of House.



 Although every episode had the same process, where half way through, they almost had the diagnoses then something goes terribly wrong only to find out what is actually wrong about 3 minutes before the end of the hour, House was still worth watching every week. The best part of House in my book was his relationship with Wilson. This was quite honestly the best character interaction on TV for the last 8 years. Take a look at some of their best moments and judge for yourself.



Now, let's get to the good stuff. I'll go in the same order I went with in the original first look. I'm going to add a few additional shows that I didn't comment on originally, but readers asked about before they started, so I'll mention them here as well.

Alcatraz
I said in my review that Alcatraz "...will have a great premiere followed by a steady drop in viewership week after week." Alcatraz did just that having a strong premier with just over 10 million viewers, but dropped to a low of 4.75 million viewers by the time of the season finale. I also assumed that the fan base would be enough to gain Alcatraz a second season but Fox decided to cut their losses now instead of wait. When it's all said and done, I was correct in my initial assessment but lost out when I gave the show the benefit of the doubt in being renewed for a second season.


Angry Boys
In my first look at Angry Boys, I called this show a "shit sandwich". According to Wikipedia, Angry Boys was met with mixed reviews. It premiered strongly for an HBO show with just shy of 1.5 million viewers, but had ended up with just under 700k viewers by the season finale. It hit a low mark with just under 500k viewers toward the end of the season. I haven't been able to find out if there will or will not be a second season, but consider me surprised if there is. Until an official word is given, this one's a draw.


Are You There, Chelsea?
Originally, I considered this to be a show I would give a chance to. Ultimately, I was too lazy to watch it, but apparently I'm not missing much since NBC decided to put this dog to sleep. It seems you can always tell the fate of a show by how little others are talking about it. If not even a whisper is uttered, you can probably wish the show adieu. This is the case for Whitney as well. I was clearly off the mark on this one.


Awake
This is one show that was new to 2012 but I didn't review because it technically started in the spring. Someone asked me about this show and I said it definitely looked intriguing. Apparently, however, this one didn't last long because NBC decided to pull the plug on this series. From what I heard, this show is up there with a personal favorite, Journeyman under the long list of "shows that are over too soon." Luckily, though, for every Awake, there is a Fringe or a Chuck that is saved by the fans. I didn't comment on this one originally, so the fate of this show doesn't count for or against my record.


Betty White's: Off Their Rockers
There wasn't a whole lot I could say about Off Their Rockers due to the lack of previews available. Based on the little information I had plus the influence of Betty White, I predicted this series might receive a second season. The numbers took a dive after the premier, but apparently reality shows have a different measuring stick because NBC has already renewed Off Their Rockers for a second season with four episodes of the first season to spare. Because I stated that I can see this one getting a second season but not lasting long beyond that, I'm giving me a notch in the win column.


The Finder
The Finder was one of my favorite possibilities for the 2012 season. I gave the show glowing reviews based on the Bones tie in and the trailers. And while I'm upset that I was so wrong about this show, I'm not sad to see it go. In all honesty, while the characters had the possibility of being interesting, all in all, I didn't care even a tiny bit for any of the characters. Willa being forced to marry some douche moved the plot no where. Walter's military background brought nothing to the table. Why bother even having a U.S. Marshal? The best character was Leo (Duncan) as they spent the most time talking about what made him tick. Even with the direct Bones tie-ins with Sweets and Hodgins, the best episode was the season finale. We learned the most about the characters this episode plus there were some actual stakes to be had. Unfortunately, though, it was too little, too late as FOX decided to pull the plug. I'm not really sorry to see this show go based on how it turned out, but I am disappointed that they didn't do better. I was WAY off on this one.


The Firm
This is one of those shows I couldn't have predicted any better if I could see the future. As I predicted, The Firm was one of the earliest casualties of the 2012 season. Well, sort of. The Firm ended up getting shoved off the standard NBC lineup early on, getting banished to wasteland of Saturday TV where it settled in at about 2 million viewers per episode. Basically, The Firm became a zombie of a TV show. Ultimately, I claimed that the first season would be run in its entirety but will not be coming back for a second season. I'm spot on with this one.


House of Lies
What ends up being the most surprising new addition to my TV lineup, House of Lies had a terrific first season showing. Not only was House of Lies what I was expecting when it comes to excess, but it brought a more serious undertone along with all that excess. The great surprise was watching Cheadle's character struggle to connect to his effeminate son in between his lying and cheating and scheming. Add to that Bell's character trying to find her way in a largely male dominated business but also fighting a losing battle with her moral compass. I'm actually anticipating finding out more about these characters in the already confirmed second season. I'm also pleased say that I can add another mark in the win column for my prediction, even if my rating shot low.


Key & Peele
I have to admit that I still haven't heard much about this show, but apparently, it has been fairly well received on Comedy Central's lineup. I watched part of one episode while I was passing through during hotel viewing time, but I couldn't recall what the skit was about if I tried. Based on current rating patterns, I'd say Key & Peele will be renewed for a second season. This is in line with my prediction so I'm taking another win. Full disclosure: I did a quick Google search to see how this show was doing and stumbled across the skit "The Anger Translator" which had me cracking up. Check it out here.


Life's Too Short
This is another one of those shows I haven't exactly heard much about. I stumbled across this one one night in a hotel and stayed to watch it. Davis was asked to attend a wedding or a birthday party as an Ewok but he mistakenly thought the couple knew he played an Ewok and wanted the actor there as himself. When he showed up, not in costume, the couple was pissed and found a random bear costume or a large stuffed bear (I don't remember which exactly) and dressed him up in it. Turns out they had no idea who Davis was and just hired him because he was a dwarf. It was actually a semi-humorous turn of events. Assuming the other episodes had the same type of dry humor, I would say the show is pretty successful. Life's Too Short earned an early renewal in the UK where it aired first, so it can be assumed that HBO will pick it up again as well. This is another mark in the win column for me.


Missing
Another show I didn't initially review but when asked, I responded that I didn't see how it could last very long. The premise of the show basically was that a lady's son goes missing so she goes out to find him. Assuming the first season ended with her finding her son, we're left with a "Prison Break" scenario - once you're out of prison, it's the end of the show. Same with Missing. Once the son is found, it's the end of the show. Thankfully enough, we don't have to find out how they plan to come back to a second season as ABC dropped the ax early on.


Napoleon Dynamite
I hated everything about this concept. Everything. Imagine my joy to find out it's not coming back for a second season. As a wise baby once said...VICTORY IS MINE!


The River
The River looked like it would be a decent movie but I couldn't quite see it as a TV show. Apparently, Spielberg thought the exact opposite. He saw a show where the plot would take us to several crazy locations, starting off in the Amazon. Reviews were a black and white mixed bag with not very many people landing in the gray area. Ratings were ok to start, but dropped by half after the premier and leveled off around the 4 million viewer mark. Rumor has it that while ABC has officially cut the show from its roster, Netflix is in talks to pick up the show for future seasons. As I said in my initial review, I can't see this lasting more than one season so, because it's my grading system and there's no confirmation from the Netflix possibility, I'm counting this as a win.


Rob
I was never a big fan of Rob as I saw a comedic actor I'm not too fond of in the mixed couple racial stereotypical situations that are barely laugh worthy. I gave this show a low rating but thought that Rob would somehow make it to 3 seasons. The good news is that Rob's head was cleanly removed by CBS. The bad news is that I'm technically not right. This one is a mark in the loss column. Damn.


Smash
As you all saw here on Opportunity Assassins, Pete really liked Smash. As a matter of fact, I gave Smash a fairly high rating of 7 out of 10, even though I wouldn't really ever watch it. That being said, Smash has done well for NBC even if the shows after the premiere haven't done as well. Viewership has been in the solid 6-7million range, so this combination of events has NBC bringing back Smash for a second season. I said we'd probably see three seasons out of this show, so this gives me another mark in the win column.


Touch
Touch is one of the few new shows for 2012 that I added to my list of new shows to watch. Surprisingly enough, the trailer lead me off track for what this show is really about. Martin Bohm's (Sutherland) son in this show can see the patterns of interconnectedness and feels pain if things are out of whack. Bohm is then interpreting the signals from his son to connect the dots. A series of events connects people from one side of the planet to people on the other side. It has been very hit and miss with the story lines, but the highs were much higher than the lows. I don't like that Glover's character has already been killed off with no real explanation of what he was all about. I also don't like that Bohm's son's caseworker has seen Bohm connect the patterns and still sits on the sidelines (at least prior to being removed from the case). I'd like to see her play more of a part in this show rather than sit on the sidelines all dumbfounded. What I really like, though, is that characters from the pilot show up every now and again. Events that occur can be brought up again later like the patterns that only Bohm's son knows. It's actually a nice touch but Kring needs to be careful not to go overboard like what happened with Heroes. Don't confuse us by adding too many new threads and crossing them. As you can probably tell, FOX has decided to renew Touch for a second season. I hope it can find some firmer ground. Add one more win for me.


Unsupervised
I haven't seen a single episode of Unsupervised but I've heard that it has been renewed for a second season. Apparently it was poorly received by critics as well, so I'm not really sure why a show like this would have been renewed unless FX didn't have a backup on hand. I can't really say much about this show other than I assumed it wouldn't make it to a second round. It's renewal adds another hash mark in my losses column.


Work It
Last and certainly least is Work It. As you may have caught on the original posting, Work It lasted an entire 2 episodes before getting the full cancellation hammer brought down on its head. Good thing according to what I witnessed in the trailer. One final win goes to me.




So how'd I do? Well, I come out 10.5 - 4.5 - 1 with a total accuracy percentage of roughly 66% which is pretty damn good if you ask me.

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Five TV Themes to Remember

Today's most successful TV shows are all the complete package from the opening second to the last word that scrolls up from the bottom of your ever expanding TV. While the focus is often on the writing, directing or acting, there has always been a soft spot in my heart for the theme songs during the title sequence. Many times I'm found sitting on my couch looking forward to the moment where I can start to sing or hum along with the music. They set the tone for the next half hour to an hour of your life. Less if you temporarily borrow shows for an indeterminate time like yours truly. Until about a month ago, though, I had never thought about which would be in my top five Greatest TV Theme Songs of all time so I've decided to put fingers to keyboard and list out my top five.

It's a tough process to choose my top five but at the end of the day it comes down to essentially three points of measurement. First, I have to be able to watch an entire season back to back and not once want to skip the theme song. Ever. Second, if you came up to me and asked me to hum or sing a particular theme song, I could do it without thinking twice. Third, I would buy each one of those theme songs and put them in my heavy metal playlist regardless of the genre. With those judgement points out of the way, let's get to it. Find my picks, in ascending order of course, after the break.

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A Dude's Defense of "Smash"

Much like Jake's preview post, I was actually intrigued by NBC's Smash.  After watching the pilot, it's obvious that the show has two main problems.  The first is that Katherine McPhee is fully clothed throughout.[1] The second is that it’s a show about singing. 

The first problem won’t (and shouldn’t) actually be solved.  McPhee is gorgeous in sweats or a dress and anything in between.  It’s nice to see a fresh face on TV – although Kiefer Sutherland can be recycled at will and I’ll watch – and it’s even nicer to see one of these American Idol contestants prove they are something beyond a voice.

The second problem, however, is part of a pathology.  Shows based around people singing seem to have taken over the world.

I’ve never seen a High School Musical, nor will I.  I’ve seen parts of Glee and wished I hadn’t.  I even watched an entire season of American Idol.  (Go Ruben!  Wait, what?)  Now, with X-Factor and The Voice and Sing For Your Supper Or I’ll Kill Your Mother[2] we’ve gone on overload.  Why?  Because there is a sinister yet brilliant way these types of shows fulfill our desires as an audience.

Singing is a talent much more than it is a skill.  I have an unbelievable control over three notes, that’s it.  Hell, I do a better job parodying songs as Cartman than I do actually singing.  I have a limited range and I know it.  There is a definite physiological component that combines with inherent talent to produce a great voice.  This is not to say that there’s not much skill to being a great singer, there is.  But for every delusional girl that breaks out into song at a bar or watching Glee and gives a completely underwhelming performance, there hides somewhere in that crowd someone who can hit some impressive notes that never had training nor a desire to sing crappy showtunes.  This doesn’t happen with writing or playing the piano.

And that, in essence, is the key to the survival and rampant growth of shows like American Idol.  If you buy into the came-from-nowhere-all-they-ever-wanted-to-do-is-sing-covers-of-shitty-songs back-story of every contestant you watch, because you’re an everyman, and you could certainly hit (closer to) every note of Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy” than that girl could. The sinister thing is that we are actually pretty good judges of talent as a population when it comes to singing.  Because we can all do it to some degree, we know, inherently, what is good and what is bad.  And that dichotomy keeps shit like The Voice on the air. 

More problematic is Glee, which is High School Musical in weekly episodic format.  Sure, the glee clubs of the world have been alienated endlessly, but cliques are cliques.  Being in a clique that gets picked on is an integral part of high school, right up there with getting your first terrible minimum-wage job.  When Glee attempts to teach us lessons (I’m trying not to laugh just as hard as you) it fails miserably because the show isn’t about being different and celebrating that, it’s about being accepted and popular.  If they wanted to be “different” the glee club would actually sing good music, not Rihanna’s mind-numbingly repetitive “We Found Love”.  The fact that the best character on a show attempting to destroy stereotypes and celebrate diversity is Jane Lynch’s hyper-stereotypical Sue Sylvester is an irony that is difficult to see through success and piles of money.

Smash is none of these things.  It’s not a procedural like Blue Bloods, it’s not remotely as imaginative as Fringe, and it’s not a cliffhanger-per-week like a 24 or Prison Break.  What it is is good fucking television.  Much in the vein of The Wire or Breaking Bad[3], Smash appears to be a visual narrative.  Its characters are complex; they put you in both empathetic and hostile situations in the span of a 46-minute episode.  The music is Broadway…but bearable.  In fact, one of the biggest numbers in the pilot is used (effectively!) for a montage.   As long as NBC has the sense to keep the music as an integral part of the show’s narrative development and prevents it from becoming the vehicle (X Factor) or the money shot (every crappy Glee number) Smash will be just that.    

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[1] When that first marriage doesn’t work out, Katherine, I’ll be right here waiting.  Unless Emma Watson gets to me first.

[2] Okay maybe that show isn’t real.  But don’t tell me you didn’t just picture Jack Bauer threatening to kill an old lady unless some unkempt dude rolls out a real badass version of “Born In the U.S.A.”.

[3] I will murder the first person who comments “Pete said Smash was as good as Breaking Bad!!!”  Your inability to read makes my black heart hurt.  And you better believe I’ll know how to find you.  You’ll be the asshole belting out a testicle-popping off-key rendition of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” at 1:45 on Saturday morning in some frat bar.

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Hollywood's Unlikely Action Stars

Top Five Unlikely Action Stars
The other day I was sitting around the house and I noticed a commercial for the new Liam Neeson movie The Grey and it got me thinking...Mr. Neeson just doesn't strike me as being the kind of guy that would be a super bad-ass action star.  Now we all know guys like Bruce Willis, Jason Statham and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson were born to be action stars and you could call em from miles away, but it also had me wondering who in the history of action were the best and worst of the unlikely action stars. Let's take a look.

Liam Neeson

Obviously, this is not a face you would typically associate with action movies, but as was displayed in the 2008 hit action movie, Taken, Liam has firmly placed himself in the Halls of Badassery. If you haven't seen Taken, the following trailer says it all. Just jump to 1:24 to see the delivery of a fantastic action move line. Really, all it takes is one movie to become a viable bad ass candidate, but Mr. Neeson followed up Taken with movies like Unknown and the previously mentioned The Grey. I'm sure we'll see Liam Neeson in plenty of action movies going forward.

Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg

Marky Mark, minus his Funky Bunch, has become a bit of a go to action star nowadays when there's a film that needs a big enough name but wants to save a dime or two. Mark Wahlberg's action resume is actually quite a bit longer the Liam Neeson's, but he didn't really reach the hallowed Halls of Badassery until the spectacular back to back showing in The Departed and Shooter. Sure, he's starred in the more high profile remake of The Italian Job and the lesser known, but definitely better Four Brothers alongside Andre 3000, occasional badass Tyrese and the mostly unknown Garrett Hedlund, but Shooter has definitely been Marky Mark's action high point. The most fun role of Mark's that has been also in the area of action was the 2010 comedy The Other Guys starring across from funny man Will Ferrell. Wahlberg is an action peacock. We just gotta let him fly.



Chloë Moretz
In what most of you would consider an unexpected but no doubt undeniable choice, the first girl on our list played the 11 year old "Hit Girl" in the movie Kick Ass when she was 12. Regardless of what she does from here on out, her fantastically unexpected part in Kick Ass will forever place her among the upper echelon of unlikely action stars and gives her the title of youngest star to grace the Halls of Badassery. Don't believe me or haven't seen Kick Ass? Embrace your inner lazy and check out the clip embedded below.

Milla Jovovich

The woman that can now easily be called the Queen of Action, Milla Jovovich really didn't start off that way. Of course, the first really recognizable performance that sticks in my head is her role on the cover of the stoner classic Dazed and Confused. Of course, she only had an insanely small part in the final cut of the movie but she was prettier than Joey Lauren Adams so they put her on the cover. Milla absolutely broke out in her memorable role as the object of protection and affection of Bruce Willis in Fifth Element where she really didn't end up kicking all that much ass. Her time would come, however, when Sony Pictures transformed her into a bad-ass zombie killing machine known as Alice in the movie Resident Evil. This launched Milla into the Halls of Badassery where she continued to excel starring in what will be five other Resident Evil movies, the Vampiress in Ultraviolet and a sword swinging beauty in The Three Musketeers. What's next for the lady that slaughters zombies by the literal boatload? More zombie slaying of course.

Josh Hartnett

Last but certainly not least on the list of Unlikely Action Stars has spent much of his movie career as the object of many a women's affections. Josh Hartnett came on the scene as a teen heart-throb made more or less famous for his role in Pearl Harbor. He followed up that sorry excuse for a movie with what I consider to be his first true foray into the full on action world with the excellent Black Hawk Down. What really solidified Mr. Hartnett's place in the hallowed Halls of Badassery was a combination of his role in the adaptation of the graphic novel 30 Days of Night and super fun Lucky Number Slevin. It doesn't appear that we'll see Josh in any action flicks in the next year or two but you can be sure that when he does make his welcome return to the land of flying bullets and splashing blood that I'll be there to cheer him along.

Bottom Five Unlikely Action Stars

The other side of the coin is home to many an actor and actress that Hollywood simply tries to ram down our collective speech holes. This section was originally in response to the most recent force feeding of a teenage werewolf in the most recent attempt to capture the essence of Matt Damon and use it to turn another pretty face into the next king of ass kicking. Let's find out who these five science experiments gone wrong are.

Shia LaBeouf

I'm pretty sure that by now, everyone has seen either one of the three Transformers movies, the worst ever Indiana Jones movie or Eagle Eye. What do all of these movies have in common? This guy. Shia LaBeouf has been cast in roles that I'd like to call the "anti-badass". What this means is that in every movie where Shia is supposed to be the badass, he's more tragically involved when shit goes wrong and just ends up playing the whiny, bitchy role. He could never be badass on his own, but with the help of giant metal robots, an aging explorer or an insane computer, he's forced to do a lot of running, screaming and attempted world saving. With a name like Shia LaBeouf not even the world's best 5 o'clock shadow can beast him up enough where Shia can be inducted to the Halls of Badassery. Not now. Not Ever.

Jennifer Garner

If you gathered all the known episodes of Alias, all the red leather and every Sai in the world, I'm pretty sure it would still be absolutely impossible to put our next "star" in the Halls of Badassery. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure even uttering the real name of Skeletor in the HoB would cause Japan to sink into the ocean and California to float over in its place. Honestly, I don't know what anyone sees in Jennifer Garner as an actress in general. Even if she is the queen of lazy acting and thus extremely likely to be honored favorably on a future list here at Opportunity Assassins, she'll just never be taken seriously in any action flick. Ever.

Paul Walker

For the most part, the Fast and the Furious movies are a lot of fun to watch. They're high in action, not too ridiculously over the top, and have enough of a "story line" to keep the images coherent. Unfortunately for the viewing audience, though, Paul Walker was the main character. He literally combines everything I hate in an action star: boyish good looks, a smart-ass annoying voice, absolutely no acting abilities and having a name like Paul Walker (what part of that name screams badass?). What's worse than that is this is the most "badass" picture I could find of him. He got so bad that they doubled the amount of pure badassery in Fast Five by adding The Rock as a personal enemy of Vin Diesel (see? both great badass names) just to even it out. Hollywood has most likely tried to shoehorn him into some other remotely action based movie, but between my memory and a quick glance at IMDb brings up nothing else memorable. Please, movie industry, if you only do one thing right for the rest of history, don't cast Paul Walker in another action movie. I'm not sure the world could take it. I know I can't.

Halle Berry

I can't name the first movie I saw Halle Berry in.  I especially don't know how she got the role of Storm in X-Men, you know, other than she was most likely the only recognizable black woman anyone could name when they were casting the move. This was what I believe is the beginning of Halle Berry's downfall as an actress. Obviously, she peaked personally with her Oscar for Best Actress in Monster's Ball starring across from Billy Bob Thorton. If I remember correctly, Ms. Berry's action career started with her underwhelming role in X-Men followed up by her topless scene in the sort of action flick Swordfish, then I'm pretty sure she was a Bond girl, then came back and played Storm a couple more times. Her most horrifying action moment came when some jackass cast her as Catwoman in the similarly titled moving picture failure. I believe Hollywood figured out that she just wasn't made of the right stuff to be in action flicks any more so now she's back doing chick flicks like she was meant to be doing. Personally, I wouldn't be heart broken if she disappeared from the movie scene and instead focused on raising her kids. We're probably all better off that way taking comfort in the fact that she won't be tainting any more action flicks and believe me, that's the best possible outcome.

Taylor Lautner

Last and certainly least is a newcomer to this list. Well, at least a newcomer to me since I refuse to acknowledge the existence of a movie series based on a book series where vampires don't burst into flames in the sun. What really pushed me over the tipping point was his movie Abduction where I'm assuming he had all the same problems as Shia LaBeouf and Paul Walker combined. Hollywood loves to take a "star" and use them so much that people start having Ebola-like symptoms. What ends up being the biggest problem is that the 13 year old girls that worship Twilight jack up the box office numbers for movies staring their latest heart-throb so the studio execs in return look at each other and go "Hey, this made the money of a good movie, so let's make another 10". Contrary to popular belief, this is not the way to make movies especially if you want to make a good movie. So what does that leave us? Well, quite simply it leaves us with the youngest and single worst (and least surprising) unlikely action star on this list.

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Fight against SOPA and PIPA

All today (Wednesday, January 18, 2012), in a show of opposition against the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect IP Act (PIPA), Opportunity Assassins will be going dark. Please take action today by going to www.fightforthefuture.org and sending a message to your representatives opposing the bill. Also, share the link with all your friends on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or wherever you can.

Please do everything you can today to keep the internet free for tomorrow.
This is extremely important to make sure we can very quickly deliver you to the best distractions on the web.

We are The New Breed of Lazy.
We are the Opportunity Assassins.

We oppose SOPA and PIPA.

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