Lazy Ass Reviews: Trouble with the Curve (2012)

Trouble with the Curve (2012)
A movie starring the epitome of the crazy old coot, Clint Eastwood (this time not talking to empty chairs), surprisingly good actor Justin Timberlake and red headed hotty (not to mention busy gal) Amy Adams, "Trouble with the Curve" takes a look into the life of the only MLB scout not using computers (and the only person with vision problems not smoking the reefer). This story could be said to be about baseball, but that's just a ruse for the world's collective girlfriends to get their boyfriends off the couch during MLB playoffs and see a semi-sappy movie with them. Have no doubt that this is actually a love story between a distanced father and daughter and an workaholic and walled up woman succumbing to the wily charms of a young heart throb - but guys, it's worth scoring a few points with your lady friends (plus you won't hate it).

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Lazy Ass Reviews: End of Watch (2012)

End of Watch (2012)
Not just another cop movie, and the inside look in End of Watch is far different and more intense than Training Day.  It's very real and intense a la The Wire, but is much more about emotion than political commentary.  You could take a date to this movie, but it might get awkward, and I guarantee you'll be able to enjoy it solo too.

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Lazy Ass Reviews: Lawless (2012)

Lawless (2012)

Tom Hardy is the man (obviously), and he's great in this particular role as bootlegger Forrest Bonderant.  Ever since the release of The Dark Knight, there seems to have been an uptick in taking unique villains seriously, and Guy Pearce does an exceptional job as the eccentric (dare we say flamboyant?) Special Deputy Charlie Rakes.  Characters are important in this movie, especially because the plot is a bit thin, but the movie is extremely enjoyable and worth your time and money, even if you just hit a budget theater in a couple weeks.

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Lazy Ass Reviews: The Apparition (2012)

The Apparition (2012)

I keep going to horror movies and expecting them to have some redeeming qualities.  Much to no one's surprise, this movie has none.  A bad plot is poorly executed, bad dialog is poorly delivered, and a refund is your only thought as soon as the opening credits hit.  Ashley Greene looks good; in fact the actual "apparition" should be her legs, which have a prominent role in the early minutes of the movie.  But after the first "tense" scene (in which Greene is wearing panties that are probably, thankfully, a size too small) the "seriousness" gets amped up and the clothes stay on.  Don't waste your time, and especially don't waste your money.

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Lazy Ass Reviews: Young Adult (2011)

 Young Adult (2011)

I got word from some friends that this movie was secretly better than expected, and it turns out that they're liars.  Another Diablo Cody joint that manages to only partially satisfy, Young Adult has great performances by Charlize Theron and Patton Oswalt, but the plot and music predictably suck ass.  If you don't have an über crush on either Theron or Oswalt, there's no need to see this movie because you'll just be miserable when it's over.

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Lazy Ass Review: The Bourne Legacy (2012)

 The Bourne Legacy (2012)

It would not be a stretch to say that Jeremy Renner is on his way to becoming a mega super duper star, as his last four years have pumped out an endless stream of better-than-you-expected movies...until now.  Renner is good as Aaron Cross, but neither his performance nor the plot of The Bourne Legacy can outperform expectations.  This movie is exactly what it purports to be in the trailer: an action-packed government thriller that simultaneously continues a previous story and sets up countless future sequels, all of which should be patiently streamed on to your favorite viewing device.

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Lazy Ass Reviews: The Expendables 2 (2012)

 The Expendables 2

There's no denying that the Expendables is a movie series with a niche audience.  Where the first was surprisingly well done, The Expendables 2 is a little too tongue in cheek, especially during the Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger scenes.  Still, the sonic abuse of gunfire is best experienced in seats of a movie theater with all the unhealthiest, hedonistic elements at hand – even if you only paid $2 for the ticket.

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Lazy Ass Reviews: Ted (2012)

I pretty much hate Family Guy, but Seth McFarlane does a good job in Ted of proving that he can write a plot.  Until Ted, I hadn't cried from laughter since I saw Bad Santa in theaters...in 2003.  If you like dick jokes, 9/11 jokes, racist jokes, stoner jokes, creepy Giovanni Ribisi, or laughing in general you will go see this movie now, multiple times, and if you don't you're not an American.

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Lazy Ass Reviews: Contraband (2012)

Contraband (2012)

Contraband is a movie about smuggling and stealing.  That leads to an interesting parallel as Mark Wahlberg, Giovanni Ribisi, and the rest of the cast are stealing your money and wasting your time if you happen to see this movie.  And you thought Max Payne was bad.  

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Lazy Ass Review: The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

**Disclaimer: Most Lazy Ass Reviews won't have this disclaimer (duh).  However, an explanatory note is rather necessary, at least at first.  All Lazy Ass Reviews are simplified into three sentences or less.  Our mastery of the English language will allow us to convey to you, dear reader, all of the pertinent aspects of the movie in such a short frame, and you won't have to suffer any blowhard, super deep, quasi-intellectual reviews.  If three sentences are too much for you, each review is complemented by a nice banner graphic at the bottom, urging you to do one of four things:

1) Sell your soul to the devil to see this movie, and get all the amenities: IMAX, large popcorn drowned in butter, etc. 
2) Make sure you get the theater experience (second run theaters okay and, in fact, wholly approved)
3) Wait for Netflix/Hulu/RedBox, etc., as it's worth a view, but not for much more than the cost of freedom (a buck-oh-five). 
4) Avoid this movie like all the plagues ever in the history of mankind were rolled into the fat Kardashian.

That's it!  So here's the first of many, enjoy the Lazy Ass Review for The Dark Knight Rises.

The Dark Knight Rises

It's not the best of the Nolan-Era Batman movies, but that's because it's not The Dark Knight.  Still, it's a character and gadget loaded, plot driven tour de force in the best Nolan tradition.  Thomas Hardy as Bane is alone worth all the money you'll spend to see this movie, the rest is just a bonus.

But hey, it's your time. Waste it how you see fit.

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Opportunity Assassins Launch: Part Deux

After months of inconsistent posting here at Opportunity Assassins, we have finally (and sadly) gotten off our lazy asses enough to begin a regular schedule of posts and updates.  Beginning August 6th, we will be providing you with some weekly content to chew on that will hopefully augment your evenings and weekends with more entertainment and less effort achieving that entertainment.


Historically speaking, we’ve focused almost completely on TV to date, diving into what the Winter 2012 season had in store, ticking down the Five Greatest TV Theme Songs, defending NBC hit Smash, and organically creating a new TV segment called “You Must Watch This” - a segment that, just this week, we’ve decided to keep around and reserve for only the most spectacular TV series in its first season. With “You Must Watch This” you can expect that we won’t be rehashing the same old reviews that you can read anywhere else. What we’ll be doing with this segment is giving you a gut reaction from the initial viewing of each episode in the first season of what could turn out to be the most important (or most controversial) show during the calendar year. We’ll choose the most worthy show based on the vibrations of the interwebs so it may take a few weeks after the show premiers, but we’ll catch up quickly and soon be in lockstep with the show in question as it progresses through its inaugural season.

What other distractions will Opportunity Assassins be bringing you on the regular starting August 6? 



Monday and Thursdays will feature our new segment called Lazy Ass Reviews. Lazy Ass Reviews, or LAR for short, will be where you can find a brief, three line, review of any movie...good, bad or otherwise. And if you find that three sentences is too long, there will be an accompanying graphic that makes our recommendation even more obvious. This will allow you guys to spend the least possible amount of time figuring out whether the movie in question is worth spending your hard earned cash or if it could be used to buy something better like a case of Wisconsin brewed Leinenkugel’s. No spoiler alerts, no in depth discussions in these particular reviews, just recommendations...and pictures. Get it? Good.


Tuesdays and Fridays we will be providing you with our Opportunity Assassins Album Reviews, or OAAR in the language of the lazy, which was born of the question "What is the greatest album of all time?". Since your spectacular content creators are both well versed in the schools of math - well at least before becoming a history major/college lifer or a sales guy - we've decided to create a super impressive statistical formula to assign each album a point total. Don't feel like reading our comments on the great or the grotesque tracks? No worries. We’ll be adding an info box containing the album information, track listing and scores for each track for the album being reviewed so you can quickly move on with your day. The continually growing list of overall scores will be available for your perusal, allowing you to pick the perfect Pandora station or build a great Spotify playlist.  And don't worry, we have varied and wide tastes in music, and appreciate almost everything (read: no Country).

Aside from simple reviews, we also have a lot of thoughts about stuff. When one of those thoughts is worth repeating (and that happens more often than you know), we put a little effort down – none required by you, dear reader, don't worry! – and dream up a new way for you to think about/enjoy those things which you already enjoy. This allows you to maximize your ability to waste time with as little effort as possible.  What could possibly be better!? Not much is the answer, unless the beer from our background can materialize in your hand at will of course. 




But hey, it's your time. Waste it how you see fit.

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