Welcome to Opportunity Assassins, where productivity comes to die.
As it turns out, there are millions of distractions out there that keep all of us from getting our work done. This is one of those things. What we've come here to do is help streamline the process so you spend less time finding distractions and more time actually being distracted. We are, after all, professionals. Taught by the very best and inspired by our hero: the godfather of lazy himself, Mr. Al Bundy.
It takes something special and a lot of personal sacrifice to be so professionally lazy. Not everyone can live up to the stringent standards that Pete and I hold ourselves to. Hour after hour laying on the couch watching thousands of TV shows, movies and sporting events then following that up with gaming marathons that would cripple ordinary men (and women...we're equal opportunity procrastinators after all). Enough of this blabbering on; let's meet the players, shall we?
Jake is the epitome of the modern Laziness Hall of Famer. Introduced to technology at the ripe young age of 5 with the magnificent Nintendo Entertainment System, digital entertainment became a part of him like the 6 Million Dollar Man (clearly not one of the 99%). Jake continued his path down the brown dirt procrastination road (clearly too lazy to put down yellow bricks) when he discovered Metal via the dulcet tones of a Mr. Jonathan Davis in Korn's Life is Peachy. He coasted through high school and college (a professor once asked him if he was "striving for mediocrity") spending hour after hour playing video games on computer, Playstation 1 and 2 and growing a collection of movies through a flailing Blockbuster's used movies section. Jake has attained his doctorate in Procrastination Sciences through a job where he spends more time getting paid to travel to far off realms than actually working from home and more time working from home than working in an office. He can now be found with a minimum of two screens (but usually 3 or 4) at any given time learning everything he can about the cutting edge of lazy. One day, Jake will turn down a leadership position at Google simply because "it's too far, man."
Pete is the self-proclaimed Lazy Renaissance Man. Billed early on as "that kid reading the book all the time", Pete worked (with minimal effort) to develop a love of reading, music, movies and television, video games, and most importantly sports. Pete works – in brief stints so as not to get tired – to refine his laziness. His collection of DVDs and video games is only surpassed by the fact that most of them remain unwatched and unplayed. But they're there, and that's what's important. Pete remains in school in order to avoid the real world, although while living off of Obama's money he does have a job. Don't worry, it's part-time and he can work from home. Pete hopes to strike it rich through sports gambling, an attainable goal because being lazy and smart are not mutually exclusive. His dream world involves a marriage to a rich, hot girl (say, Lindsay Lohan...don't judge) and a world where you can talk to computers so you don't have to actually type, but for now he'll settle for a MacBook, internet porn, and statistics spreadsheets while he causally watches any of the hundred games on TV.
Anyway, I'm too lazy to write any more, so let's get on to it.
We are the new breed of lazy.
We are the Opportunity Assassins.
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