Opportunity Assassins: Tools for the Lazy

Prelude:

The last new content piece for Opportunity Assassins is our weekly "big" article. As we stated during our launch, we'll find something interesting to talk about then do the heavy lifting so you, our dear readers, don't have to. We here at OA don't have and fancy pants name for this section so we'll settle for a fabulously lazy name of "OA Wednesday Post". There are no rules for this content - no word counts, no formatting, no nothing. Just information you need to perfect your procrastination skills to become the next Opportunity Assassin.

Becoming an Opportuinty Assassin (read: professional procrastinator), you need several tools to help speed life along so that you don't have to worry about the blur. We have only 1 thing that we look for when selecting the best tools for the job - Can I reach it while laying down on my couch? Well, it turns out there are amazing tools that accomplish just that and I'll tell you three of my favorite.

The Coin Toss

It's time for an Opportunity Assassins History Moment [1]. Since the invention of two sided items, the world's most important decisions have been made by which side lands face up. Of course, the advent of the money system, and more specifically coins, not only gave The Coin Toss its name, but made decision making portable. Examples of history's best and worst coin toss decisions include: the invention of Beer, Napoleon attempting to invade Russia, the invention of Whiskey, Hitler attempting to invade Russia, the invention of Pizza, Russia moving ICBMs to Cuba,  the invention of Air Conditioning, the invention of Golf, the invention of Football and mullets. As any Opportunity Assassin knows, no decision was ever made with a single coin toss. As a matter of fact, it's a universal law that no decision is final until after the third toss - a law called the Definitive Triumvirate Law.

The Opportunity Assassins Approved tricks of the trade for satisfying the Definitive Triumvirate Law are:
Any Coin
Any two-faced item
Random.org's Coin Flipper

The Universal Remote

A Universal Remote is the cornerstone for any good Opportunity Assassin's coffee table. While the Logitech Harmony family of is probably the best known and most popular of universal remotes on the market. The programmability, flexibility and ease of setup really helps the Harmony excel, but it's missing the one important feature included in the remote to receive the Opportunity Assassins Stamp of Approval - Bluetooth to control my home theater center Playstation 3. The Opportunity Assassins approved solution is the SMK-Link Blu-Link Universal Remote a combination PS3/RF remote. This allows me to control my music, movies, Netflix and plenty of other distractions from the comfort of my couch. The big benefit is that I can actually turn on just my surround sound and my PS3 then take the remote to another room where I can control my music without direct line of sight to my TV.


A Deck of Cards

Here's your next Opportunity Assassins History Moment. [2]There is no single distraction older than a deck of cards. It's a well known and well documented fact that raptors used to set up campfires all around Pangaea after a good T-Rex hunt and play games of Smear. Fast forward to a small Croatian village in the late 1800s and you'll find Nikolai Tesla playing games of Solitaire in a chain mail suit between two powered Tesla Coils. Second only to the Coin Toss in the list of procrastination's highest value historical contributions, a deck of cards is a savior to all species of creatures the world over. In a pinch, it's simple to shuffle up a deck of cards and deal out a game of King's Corners, play a game of Memory or the quickest card game of all - 52 Pick-Up. Perfect for everything from drinking games to picking Fantasy Football draft orders, a deck of cards is a life-saver in a pinch and a great way to waste time the Opportunity Assassins's way.

But hey, it's your time. Waste it how you see fit.


What's your favorite procrastination tool that would meet our stringent approvals?

[1] Opportunity Assassins History Moments are fictional creations because we're simply too lazy to do real research.

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OAAR: Linkin Park - Living Things (2012)

Welcome to Opportunity Assassins Album Reviews (OAAR), where we put each album to the test to determine which is the best of all time so you don't have to. You've just so happened to trip over OAAR on Contemporary Artist Tuesday (ignore the fact we posted this at 1AM on Wednesday), where we take a look at bands that are now or were recognized to be tearing up stages all over the world during the 21st century. We explained the rules behind the Opportunity Assassins Album Reviews using the super impressive statistical formula but here's a quick refresher course for the forgetful (or the lazy, whom we embrace with open arms).

1) Every track is scored on a 0-5 scale.
2) The scores are totaled up to create a weighted average based on run time.
3) Each album receives a score of 0-5 for how it is in comparison with the other albums in the artists's discography.
4) Each album receives an "experience score" for how good the album stands as a whole over time.
5) All of the numbers from steps 2-4 are gathered up to give us the Total Opportunity Assassin Album Review Score.

That's it. Simple as creating a good old fashioned Wisconsin Bonfire. With that, let's jump into our first Opportunity Assassins Album Review with Linkin Park's 2012 album, Living Things.

Living Things, the fifth independent studio effort by Linkin Park definitely hearkens back to the edgier, guitar-driven days of Hybrid Theory and Meteora.  Sadly, the album does little more than hearken.

Linkin Park appear to have fallen into a trap of recycling albums in the best AC/DC tradition.  Living Things, like many of its predecessors, begins with a more heavy metal sound, evolving into melody driven pieces then devolving into electronica-rap experimentation, ending finally with a song that plays like the album's end credits.

Strong tracks like "In My Remains", "Burn It Down", and "Skin to Bone" are offset by tracks that seem to be a recycling of Chester Bennington's favorite melodies ("Roads Untraveled") or Mike Shinoda's favorite cadences ("Until It Breaks").  When the album's best cut ("Burn It Down") seems to be one long hook, rather than a complex song, it's hard to get too excited.  Don't be surprised upon first listen to think, "Have I heard this album before?"  You have.  And that's not necessarily a good thing.

Author: Pete

Living Things provides us with quite a lot of good mixed up with a lot of bad held together by mediocre. Vocally, I'm thrilled to hear more singing out of both Chester and Mike especially when providing doubling duties on some tracks. An obviously Mr. Hahn (samples) heavy influence in writing Living Things actually works quite well in several cases while missing on others. The worst tracks stem from disruptive bridges, of which there are plenty, poor track layout and an obvious "single track" writing style (as opposed to a "single album" writing style). This is probably part of why the album doesn't even hit the 40 minute mark in total length.

At the shitty end of the spectrum is the midpoint track, "Victimized". Honestly, I don't think there's a better title for this song, as it accurately describes your auditory senses after having to suffer through this mess. Not only that but book-ended by two of the better songs on Living Things that are night and day different. Add to that the heavy screaming that Chester is still holding onto for whatever reason, I guess it's a good thing "Victimized" is only a short 106 seconds long. After the audacity (a word that should be used more often in music related articles) of "Victimized" who would've expected such a spectral 180? "Roads Untraveled" is not only a wonderful track, but is also a song that is an automotive karaoke delight you can't just help but sing along with. Hell, even if you don't sing, I'm sure one day you'll find yourself whistling or humming the tune while walking down the street. Simple, not weighed down by too many vocal flairs and featuring the subtle use of Chester doubling Mike's chorus line after the second verse, Roads Untraveled is the shining light of Living Things.

Author: Jake

But hey, it's your time. Waste it how you see fit.

Agree or disagree? Think we're the coolest cats on the planet? Let us know in the comments below.

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Lazy Ass Review: The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

**Disclaimer: Most Lazy Ass Reviews won't have this disclaimer (duh).  However, an explanatory note is rather necessary, at least at first.  All Lazy Ass Reviews are simplified into three sentences or less.  Our mastery of the English language will allow us to convey to you, dear reader, all of the pertinent aspects of the movie in such a short frame, and you won't have to suffer any blowhard, super deep, quasi-intellectual reviews.  If three sentences are too much for you, each review is complemented by a nice banner graphic at the bottom, urging you to do one of four things:

1) Sell your soul to the devil to see this movie, and get all the amenities: IMAX, large popcorn drowned in butter, etc. 
2) Make sure you get the theater experience (second run theaters okay and, in fact, wholly approved)
3) Wait for Netflix/Hulu/RedBox, etc., as it's worth a view, but not for much more than the cost of freedom (a buck-oh-five). 
4) Avoid this movie like all the plagues ever in the history of mankind were rolled into the fat Kardashian.

That's it!  So here's the first of many, enjoy the Lazy Ass Review for The Dark Knight Rises.

The Dark Knight Rises

It's not the best of the Nolan-Era Batman movies, but that's because it's not The Dark Knight.  Still, it's a character and gadget loaded, plot driven tour de force in the best Nolan tradition.  Thomas Hardy as Bane is alone worth all the money you'll spend to see this movie, the rest is just a bonus.

But hey, it's your time. Waste it how you see fit.

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You Must Watch This: The Newsroom Episode 6

Six episodes into the first season of The Newsroom has me a bit on the edge of a dangerous precipice. I'll get to why in a bit, but first let's take a look at the character focus of this episode.

"Bullies" focuses on further developing the characters of Sloan Sabbith (Olivia Munn) and Will McAvoy (Jeff Daniels). As I said during the write up of episodes 3-5, I'm very interested in seeing the character of Sloan better developed. We've seen her very briefly so far, but outside of figuring out she's an economic specialist and an awful person to ask relationship advice of. With Will, we've seen occasional glimpses of humanity under a cold shell but we haven't really learned too much about his life outside of things between Will and MacKenzie Hale (Emily Mortimer).

In this episode we learn that Will spent time as a speech writer for George H.W. Bush, was used as leverage by being "offered" a late night talk show on Fox, was abused by his father in youth and had to pick up the mantle of being the protector for his brother and two sisters. The key scene of the show was Will interviewing the Santorum staffer, a gay, black, man working as an adviser to the Santorum campaign which was anti-homosexuality. Will kept attacking the adviser along the lines of working for a man who thinks homosexuals are sub-human to the point where he snaps at Will, thoroughly putting him in his place. He tells Will that his view is too narrow; that Santorum's stance on abortion is more than enough to offset his stance on homosexuality. As a result, Will is quite obviously flustered as he mixes up words during the signing off and the guilt of this exchange is preventing him from sleeping.

Sloan, while dealing with a similar guilt and getting some more attention in this episode, is still not given the fleshing out that the character deserves. While there isn't one massive event focus on this episode, the driving force for the plot line was the Fukushima Nuclear Reactor as it's failing catastrophically. Sloan just so happens to have a good relationship with the spokesperson for TEPCO and is acting as translator for the staff putting the story together for ACN. The source is insisting that the reactor is only at a class 5 (Three Mile Island) but Sloan knows that the Japanese under sell the issues so she asks the team to leave the room where, off the record, the source tells Sloan it's actually more like a class 7 (Chernobyl). When she's asked to work the 10 O'Clock news, she has to interview the same spokesperson on the air. Sloan asks Will for advice on how to get the spokesperson to say on the air what he told her so, following Will's advice, she grills the TEPCO spokesperson but the translator is mistranslating both Sloan's questions and the responses. Of course, since she speaks Japanese, she goes off the rails and decides to handle the questions in Japanese herself. She then reveals that he told her it was actually a class 7, not a class 5.

When Charlie Skinner (Sam Waterston) verbally dresses down Sloan (have i mentioned he's incredible in this role?), we see glimmers of who Sloan really is. We see she has the strength to stand up for herself as mistaken as she might have been. She believes so much in what she did that she didn't even care about being paid during her suspension. When she hears that her friend, the TEPCO spokesperson, was stepping down and his honor would be at stake, that's when we really see the glimmer of Sloan's convictions. It's a fantastic, albeit brief, moment where the possibility of Sloan's character glimmers to the surface. But this is really a great example of why this show has me on the edge of the cliff. Characters with so much potential are glazed over far too often. Finding out about Will's past was done in a mostly meaningless manner to get to the bottom of the his guilt over the best moment of the episode.

While I still thoroughly enjoy this show and highly recommend it, I can begin to see that there's the opportunity for greatness but also an equal opportunity to falter dramatically. Sorkin is walking a dangerous path, but it won't be until Season 2 begins that we'll find out if the new writing team can pull it back from the edge.

But hey, it's your time. Waste it how you see fit.

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Opportunity Assassins Launch: Part Deux

After months of inconsistent posting here at Opportunity Assassins, we have finally (and sadly) gotten off our lazy asses enough to begin a regular schedule of posts and updates.  Beginning August 6th, we will be providing you with some weekly content to chew on that will hopefully augment your evenings and weekends with more entertainment and less effort achieving that entertainment.


Historically speaking, we’ve focused almost completely on TV to date, diving into what the Winter 2012 season had in store, ticking down the Five Greatest TV Theme Songs, defending NBC hit Smash, and organically creating a new TV segment called “You Must Watch This” - a segment that, just this week, we’ve decided to keep around and reserve for only the most spectacular TV series in its first season. With “You Must Watch This” you can expect that we won’t be rehashing the same old reviews that you can read anywhere else. What we’ll be doing with this segment is giving you a gut reaction from the initial viewing of each episode in the first season of what could turn out to be the most important (or most controversial) show during the calendar year. We’ll choose the most worthy show based on the vibrations of the interwebs so it may take a few weeks after the show premiers, but we’ll catch up quickly and soon be in lockstep with the show in question as it progresses through its inaugural season.

What other distractions will Opportunity Assassins be bringing you on the regular starting August 6? 



Monday and Thursdays will feature our new segment called Lazy Ass Reviews. Lazy Ass Reviews, or LAR for short, will be where you can find a brief, three line, review of any movie...good, bad or otherwise. And if you find that three sentences is too long, there will be an accompanying graphic that makes our recommendation even more obvious. This will allow you guys to spend the least possible amount of time figuring out whether the movie in question is worth spending your hard earned cash or if it could be used to buy something better like a case of Wisconsin brewed Leinenkugel’s. No spoiler alerts, no in depth discussions in these particular reviews, just recommendations...and pictures. Get it? Good.


Tuesdays and Fridays we will be providing you with our Opportunity Assassins Album Reviews, or OAAR in the language of the lazy, which was born of the question "What is the greatest album of all time?". Since your spectacular content creators are both well versed in the schools of math - well at least before becoming a history major/college lifer or a sales guy - we've decided to create a super impressive statistical formula to assign each album a point total. Don't feel like reading our comments on the great or the grotesque tracks? No worries. We’ll be adding an info box containing the album information, track listing and scores for each track for the album being reviewed so you can quickly move on with your day. The continually growing list of overall scores will be available for your perusal, allowing you to pick the perfect Pandora station or build a great Spotify playlist.  And don't worry, we have varied and wide tastes in music, and appreciate almost everything (read: no Country).

Aside from simple reviews, we also have a lot of thoughts about stuff. When one of those thoughts is worth repeating (and that happens more often than you know), we put a little effort down – none required by you, dear reader, don't worry! – and dream up a new way for you to think about/enjoy those things which you already enjoy. This allows you to maximize your ability to waste time with as little effort as possible.  What could possibly be better!? Not much is the answer, unless the beer from our background can materialize in your hand at will of course. 




But hey, it's your time. Waste it how you see fit.

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