OA Goes to E3 (via the Internet)

This year's E3 kicked off in much the same way that every year's E3 kicks off....conferences from the big guys. Both Microsoft and Sony held their keynote addresses on Monday, showing off new games and new hardware.

As usual, these conferences took very different approaches with Microsoft going more laid back with spread out sofas, a stage surrounded with viewers and the typical "Microsoft wants to be the cool kids" dress approach that consists of a t-shirt under a sport coat.

Microsoft showed off a slew of new games, announced a 40% smaller Xbox One S (even smaller when you include the MASSIVE power brick that was included in the original and is now integrated in this new version), a revitalized cross-platform approach where any non-Playstation/Nintendo devices can play online with each other in some way. Additionally, if you buy a game that's on both Windows 10 and Xbox One, you get the version on the other platform. They also announced more features to Xbox Live and wrapped up their event with the unveiling of Project Scorpio, a powerhouse new version of Xbox One consoles that will land at the end of next year and be capable of 4K/60Hz gaming and VR as well.

Sony, on the other hand, classed up the joint with a theater seating arrangement with a live orchestra, two screens on stage (a smaller one in front, a larger in back with mirrored content) and projection mapping on the stage itself. They didn't show it very often in the keynote, but the impressions were that it was quite a sight to see. During Sony's keynote, there was far more video and far fewer speakers (I believe three people in total).

Sony's conference was all gaming, all the time. It started out with a massive reveal of the next God of War game which sealed their victory. They could've stopped the show 15 minutes in and we'd all walk away happy, but they also gave us some new games with an ass ton of zombies, more Horizon: Zero Dawn gameplay, and announced the launch date and price of Playstation VR. In addition to revealing the launch info for PSVR, they also stated there will be 50 games at launch for PSVR and gave us a taste of what we can expect with some footage of some great looking experiences including a new Batman game, a new Call of Duty and a new Resident Evil game. The other killer moment was Hideo Kojima coming out on stage and showing off some footage of a Norman Reedus starring game called Death Stranding. No one is really sure what it's all about but it has everyone begging for more.

You can watch both of the full conferences above, but what you're all begging for (and I can hear you really starting to cry now) is the God of War footage. So here you go. Feast your eyes on Kratos and his son wandering through the Nordic landscape that will be our home for the next iteration of Krato's adventures.

Sure, there were other conferences on Monday, including EA and Ubisoft, but no one cares about them.

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Video killed the Blog-eo star

A Phoenix rising from the ashes...

A caterpillar turning into a butterfly...

A *SPOILER ALERT* Hold the Door morphing into Hodor *END SPOILER ALERT*...

Or most likely, a skinny kid who discovers Nintendo 64, Jolt Cola and Cooler Ranch Doritos...

We're BAAAACK!

I'd also say we're better than ever, but that may be setting expectations too high. With this post comes a reinvention of sorts. A way to maximize our procrastination potential and truly live up to the Opportunity Assassins name you know and love. So how exactly are we about to blow your collective minds in the laziest way possible? I'm glad you asked!

The answer is elementary, my [Pete's] dear [Emma] Watson. We're going to take what we do in our spare time - playing Playstation 4 online - and live streaming it because, hell, we're already talking about these things anyway. Sure, it'll be a bit more structured than our normal babblings, but not so structured that we have some kind of planned schedule. That's far too much work for the Opportunity Assassins!

So when I get around to it, I'll be updating the blog layout a bit. I'll add links to our live stream archives and come up with some crazy lazy way to tell you all we're actually live if you decide to catch us in the act.

For now, though, search for Opportunity Assassins on Facebook to follow our antics in more or less real time and track down our YouTube page.

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White Hot Anticipation: PlayStation 4

Originally, this post was going to be a summary of what we learned about the PlayStation 4 yesterday, but all that changed by lunch time. Over on Kotaku, Gizmodo, Engadget, Joystiq and every other gaming and tech blog in existence, you'll find everything you could ever want to know about every little detail from last night's PlayStation Meeting 2013. You'll find all the press releases from all of the developers, a hefty portion of the specs of the PS4, nice pictures of the new controller and PS Eye and summaries of every game and every game engine running on the PS4 so far. But one thing is stunning to me - each one of these sites has asked why we didn't see the console, why didn't they give us a price, why didn't they tell us when it's coming. Beyond that, some of the sites are already calling the PS4 the loser of this generation...and all of this before even getting a hand on anything PS4 related.

So instead of telling you everything they already have, I'm going to tell you why they're mostly all idiots.

You see, I'm in a marketing gig myself, and when it comes down to putting on an event like the PlayStation Meeting 2013, you tend to look back at a few things. You look at previous product unveils to see what you did right and what you did wrong. You look at the industry to see if you can somehow do something different than the expected dog and pony show. You look at the rest of the year to see what other events you have to disseminate information across. All of these come into play when putting on a show like Sony just did for the PlayStation 4. When looking back, it's not surprising that Sony made the choices it did, even if they didn't go and show off the actual PS4 itself.

As history has shown, the typical first announcement/product unveiling doesn't include anything like price or release dates. Why anyone expected differently is beyond me. Sony has done this with the PS2, PS3 and PS Vita these last few years. Each console was announced at E3 where we got to see a conceptual console design, some fancy tech demos, and got to hear about a handful of specs. If it sounds familiar to those of you who watched the PS4 announcement, that's because it pretty much happened that way. But something happened with the PS3 between the time it was announced and the time it was unveiled that made Sony nervous this time around. They showed off prototype hardware. A near final shape was shown, but Sony promised two HDMI ports, something like 8 USB ports and a host of other features that never made it to the actual release product. You can bet your sweet ass (and SCEA President, Jack Tretton said as much in some interviews last night and this morning) that the PS4 design isn't finished and, thus, wasn't shown.

Surprising? Sure.

Insanity? Not even close.

Some of you may not remember that during the same PS3 launch, Sony was practically burned at the stake for not showing any real game play. They were caught red handed multiple times because developers only had pre-rendered cut-scenes. So what did Sony do this time around? They spent close to two hours showing us games. Games played in real time on what we can only assume is real PS4 hardware. Sure, we saw one or two tech demos from the Sony crew, but it was developer after developer on stage. There were first party developers, third party developers and even an indie developer. Sony made sure the PS4 was easy to develop for this time around and it shows. We even saw big name publishers like Capcom and Square-Enix showing off new gaming engines running in real time on the PS4. Sure, they may be conceptual in nature but what you see is what you'll get on the new box in your living room, not empty promises that may or may not show up 5+ years down the road.

At the end of the day, I want to see what games I'll be playing 1-2 years from now. I want to see new experiences and I want to see where my hours will be spent. I don't so much care about a plastic case.

Add to all of this that with the PS3, Sony was a year behind Microsoft's launch of the Xbox 360. It's been playing catch-up ever since, admittedly, and almost seven years on has finally come within spitting distance of the global sales figures of Sony's competitor. They wanted to flip things this time around and be the first out of the gate with this generation of consoles. Microsoft didn't announce the next Xbox at E3 last year so Sony had to get the PS4 in before Microsoft pulled the trigger this generation. Good, bad or otherwise, Sony has the world's attention for a while at least. We'll hear a trickle of game announcements over the coming months and probably a "leak" or two leading up to E3 and you can bet with as little as was actually shown by Sony, there'll be plenty of speculation and rumors to keep the buzz going.

On top of this, you have two events prior two E3 where some news will be unleashed, plus two others AFTER E3 where you need to keep the stream of consciousness alive. Next up is the Game Developers Conference (GDC) which takes place at the end of March. You can certainly expect the public to hear more about the games that were shown, plus more about games that have yet to be announced. Right around the same time is Penny Arcade Expo East (PAX East) where Blizzard has already talked about having the PS3 version of Diablo 3 available to demo.

E3, which takes place in June, will be the big event, however. You'll finally see the console there. You may even learn about the launch price and, if you're lucky, a firm release date. Expect a handful of launch titles to be confirmed and new ones from other developers to be announced at that time. When it comes down to it, though, there's still much to learn about some of the costs associated with the PS4. Things like controllers, the camera, other accessories and don't forget the newly enhance PlayStation Network (PSN) experience. How much will be free? How much will require a subscription? What will come with the subscription? You won't learn all of these things at this year's E3. Besides, there's still Gamescom, Europe's premier gaming event held in Cologne, Germany in August and the home turf event, the Tokyo Game Show (TGS) in September. You have to space out all of your announcements otherwise you'll have nothing left to show in the later half of the year.

I so far haven't seen much about the PS4 but I'm not worried. What I have seen is a chunk of features that I like if they're done well. The social aspects of the PS4 aren't fit for an introvert like me, but I know plenty of people who would ask me for help if they were having trouble with something, so being able to reach across the web and walking a friend through a particularly tricky spot intrigues me. I've also never really though about sharing an awesome coincidence with friends, but if it's there, I'll use it. Instead, what has me really excited is the concept of buffered gaming where you can start to play a game without having to wait for the whole damn thing do download and install. If Sony can pull that Gaikai magic off without requiring blazing fast internet services then we've got a big winner here.

So for those of you nay-sayers out there, I'll leave you with these last few sentences. Chill the fuck out. There's much more to come. Some will be great, some not. The early adopters will still buy early. The wait and see types will wait and see. The Microsoft fanboys will bash Sony and the Sony fanboys will bash Microsoft. Such is life. Reserve judgement for when the damn thing can be held in your hands and until then - sit back and enjoy the ride.

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2013 Trailer-Bowl: Rating the Movie Trailers

So it's Superb Owl Sunday and a few things can be counted on  - The big game will be the most watched TV event of the year, Budweiser will spend an ungodly sum of money to hijack the commercial breaks, and the movie studios will blow their summer movie trailer load. Now the Summer tends to be the testosterone fueled time of the year where all the action flicks come out and this year is no different. 2013 is shaping up to be featuring action packed titles such as Fast and Furious 6, Star Trek 2 and Iron Man 3. All of these movies, and more, will have trailers featured during the big game and I'm here to rate them for you. So, in the order they appeared during the game, here goes.

1) The Lone Ranger - July 3
The trailer for The Lone Ranger, Johnny Depp's next outing with Disney, technically aired before the game started, but for shits and giggles, I'll include it here as well. So far, the longest trailer of the night, clocking in at 1:32 was for Disney's "The Lone Ranger." Surprisingly enough, though, it didn't really show much that we hadn't already seen in all the trailers released so far. The theme was, generally speaking, The Lone Ranger getting ripped away from dangerous situations on trains, be it by whip or by chain. It was also our first real look at Johnny Depp being Johnny Depp so for those of you hoping his totally not white character wouldn't be the goofy asshole of every other movie he's been in lately (type cast much?)...tough shit. Anyway, take a look at the trailer below.

Jake's Rating: I liked the trailer for the most part and its length could've been a plus, but it seemed like time wasted and the Pirates logo was just unnecessary. Given everything I've said, "The Lone Ranger" gets a 3 out of 5.

2) Oz: The Great and Powerful - March 3
I can't recall if this one aired before the game started or early in the first quarter, but it's a movie trailer so here it is. James Franco makes his way to Oz in this new Disney movie where he comes in contact with a couple good witches and a couple bad witches. There are also good flying monkeys and bad flying monkeys (not sure if they're talking yet though). Also, I wasn't aware that the stunning Mila Kunis will be in this movie as what I can only guess is one of the good witches so that's a plus. There are some interesting landscapes in this movie (as can be expected), a black and white tornado and flying in bubbles. Here's the trailer so you can see for yourselves.

Jake's Rating: This trailer was just full of pretty scenes and didn't show much that was all that interesting (besides Mila Kunis, of course). Couple that with the short 30 second run time and you have a trailer that gets a measly 2 out of 5 rating.

3) World War Z - June 20
I don't remember if this trailer happened before the Oz trailer or after, so since I'm writing this, I'll place it after Oz. Now this is how you do a trailer. Start out calm with a nice family moment then start to escalate. Bam...side mirror taken out, then cop taken out (by a bus in a traffic jam?) then all hell breaks loose. Somehow Brad Pitt can now drive freely in a traffic jam so he starts to take off. Then more crazy shit like people trying to climb people to go over a wall. Then a big hole gets ripped in the side of a plane. Then people keep saying how they've lost all of these places. But no one knows what they're up against (hint: zombies). Anyway, there's some crazy shit happening in this short trailer but I'm intrigued either way. It has successfully done its job. See what I'm talking about below.

Jake's Rating: If you couldn't tell, I really enjoyed this trailer, even if it was only 30 seconds long. It didn't waste time and it didn't sell the movie out like many other trailers do. This is a movie I want to watch and so this trailer gets a solid 4.5 out of 5.

4) Fast and Furious 6 - May 24

The fifth movie in the series, Fast Five, ended with Vin Diesel and co. getting together for a meal on a nice waterfront property. The Rock is looking for any lead on the crew that got away, but then someone brings him a file. In the file is a dossier on Letty, who apparently didn't die in the second movie after all. This trailer sees The Rock recruiting the same crew he spent the last movie chasing to help him catch a wild crew of impressive drivers. This leads to Vin Diesel and Co. agreeing to help in exchange for having their records wiped clean. A few spectacular car chases and A FUCKING TANK later, and all hell seems to be breaking loose. In case you forgot about Letty, she turns up during the closing scene and looks as if she's going up against The Rock and team. Watch the excitement below.

Jake's Rating: This trailer has all the bells and whistles you'd expect from such an action packed movie. The aforementioned tank, somehow taking down a massive jet, and the return of Letty all earn this one a 4.5 out of 5.

5) Star Trek: Into Darkness - May 17
The first J.J. Abrams Star Trek flick brought the usual names to a new generation. It had some impressive visuals, some great action moments and a pretty decent plot. It also managed to get rid of the nerd stink that plagued the original series and made it watchable for people like me. The sequel comes back stronger than ever with a new enemy, bigger visuals and more explosions. The trailer shows the new villain (who I, being new to the series, don't recognize) being all sorts of talkative and claiming to be better at everything. You get to see a guy standing in lava, the Enterprise crashing down to earth and then through a building and a dude (Spock?) jumping off a tall building. Take a look at the spot below.

Jake's Rating: This one was pretty short clocking in around 30 sec. It showed some pretty sweet scenes and displayed a large scope, but it just didn't have the impact it needed. I'm giving this one a 3 out of 5.

6) Iron Man 3 - May 3
The trailer I've been waiting for all night wasn't much of a trailer at all. I'm not sure if it's because Disney has spent so much money already (Disney owns Marvel if you didn't know) but they showed a quick 30 second teaser with a scene that opens up showing Air Force One flying through the air when a big hole gets blasted in the tail section (If you're keeping count, this is the third trailer that features a jet blowing up, not counting the Enterprise) and people start flying out. In comes Iron Man in a new suit out to save the people falling to their deaths. There are 13 people and Jarvis tells Tony Stark he can only carry 4. A battered Stark says oh boy then the trailer cuts out telling you peons to go to Facebook to see the extended cut. A shitty ploy, but the scene was interesting. See the TV cut that faked me out below.

Jake's Rating: I'm understandably let down by the 30 second fake out sending me to another place to watch the rest, but the 30 seconds that I saw was a solid scene from a movie I'll love so I'm more forgiving. All in all, I'm giving this a 3.5 out of 5.

6a) Iron Man 3 - Extended Look Trailer
So the power outage time out gave me plenty of time to get caught up so now I can add this special tidbit. The fake out trailer during the Superb Owl only got a rating of 3.5 out of 5 but the Extended Look Trailer does a fantastic job of making up for that. I won't spoil the beginning, but during the trailer we see a couple looks at Sir Ben Kingsly as The Mandarin, not-Sir Don Cheadle in the Captain American-Man suit, some other dude who I didn't recognize, and a couple looks at new suits. Add this to the scene in the fake out trailer and we're sitting pretty. Take a look at the Extended Look Trailer below.

Jake's Rating: The Extended Look Trailer started out funnier than hell. That alone, plus all of the new scenes, gets this trailer our first 5 out of 5. Superb Owl indeed.

7) God of War: Ascension - March 12
Sure, it's not a movie and sure, it's not technically a Superb Owl commercial even though it aired online during the game, but hell. It's action, it's coming out in 2013 and the trailer is live action, just like a movie so there you go. So for the uninitiated, God of War is a series of games on Playstation consoles about a Spartan warrior who becomes a god and takes a direct run at Zeus as revenge for him having to kill his wife and daughter. God of War: Ascension is the fourth installment on the home console space and the sixth on home and handheld consoles. It's a prequel to the original Playstation 2 God of War and looks at how Kratos becomes the "man" he is today. The trailer is an interesting cinematic look at the touching relationship between a warrior and his daughter and shows how that happiness is so fleeting. See the beautiful trailer below.

Jake's Rating: I love the God of War series. The story is fantastic and the battles epic. This looks to be another great addition to the Kratos mythos and I'm looking forward to getting my hands on it next month. The trailer gets a 4 out of 5.

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Opportunity Assassins v2.0

Welcome back to the New Breed of Lazy.

As you can see, there have been quite a few changes around here. Mainly, a new web design makes our already kick-ass blog even more kick-ass...and here you thought it just wouldn't be possible. Well, this is really only stage one because as I said before, we have a lot of new things coming down the pipeline. So what can you expect in 2013 (or whenever we get around to it)?

Well, both of your beloved Opportunity Assassins writers have our own side blogs which we have lovingly linked to in our "Good Reads" section. As we grow this year, you'll see some better integration of both of our Sports and Tech blogs into OA, but we really have to figure out the best (or easiest) way to do that.

In addition, we will be adding a new rants section because if you've turned on the TV lately or fired up the Facebook machines, you've seen that there's plenty of shit to rant about.

Really, all in all, you'll see more activity coming from the two of us as soon as we can agree on how we want it to be delivered. Thanks for hanging in there while we get our shit together.

Finally, I just want to wrap up with a few credits for the blog design and the fancy new images in the carousel.

Satellite Dish
Procrastination
Podium
Tools
Clock
Blog Template

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As Fate Would Have It: Fall 2012 Scorecard

Winter. The subtle sounds of the Fall season coming to an end (or a mid-season break, if you will). This time of the year is mostly a TV wasteland (outside of the NFL and the race for the playoffs), but also offers some reflection for the new shows of the Fall TV season. This is that post - the one where I look back and render judgement on all the new shows and collect my predictions to see if they're accurate or not. If you checked in last time, you'll see that for the winter 2012 season, the Opportunity Assassins ended up with right around a 66% accuracy (10.5 - 4.5 - 1) or, in other words, our predictions were correct for 2 out of every 3 shows that debuted at mid-season. So let's see how I did this time around.

Quick Note: None of the Fall 2012 shows have been officially renewed for a second season yet, so for the most part, I'll be giving scores based on the confidence of "TV by the Numbers" and their Renew/Cancel Index.

With that out of the way, let's get on to the new Fall shows.


666 Park Avenue (ABC)
Original Prediction: 666 Park Avenue will make it through the 13 episode run, but will not be back for more after that.
Result: About a month ago, ABC closed the door on "666" and said they would air the remaining episodes (to total 13 in all). A few days ago, though, ABC decided to pull the remaining episodes but air them over the summer instead and maybe renew the series if their new winter shows bomb.
Grade: Considering the original choice of ABC to cancel, but finish the original 13 episodes, I'm giving me the full credit for accuracy.

Arrow (CW)
Comments: Arrow was one of the shows I decided to pick up right off the bat. So far it has been entertaining and gritty and dark enough so as not to be a cheesy step-cousin to Smallville. I'm looking forward to the season picking up again in January to see what new fun Arrow will bring.
Original Prediction: Arrow will pick up a full season order and be renewed for at least a second season. If I had to put an end date on it, I'm guessing either after 4 or 5 good seasons.
Result: Arrow was, indeed, picked up for a full season order. It has yet to be confirmed renewed for a second season but the writing is on the wall that this show will return for season 2.
Grade: I'm giving me preemptive full credit in anticipation for renewal.

Beauty & The Beast (CW)
Original Prediction: The CW has been known to stick it out with shows that bring in viewers with the stars that are cast, and I expect this to be no different. I imagine Beauty & The Beast will get a full season order and will probably be renewed for a second, but won't probably make it too far after that.
Result: Just as predicted, CW gave Beauty & The Beast a full season order. Once more, CW hasn't decided to cut or renew this after one season, though.
Grade: This one is too difficult to call one way or the other, so I'll take a half point on this one.

Ben & Kate (FOX)
Original Prediction: Ben & Kate is situated between strong lead-in Raising Hope and quirky New Girl, so it's in a position to carry with it quite a high viewership on Tuesdays. If the writing is up to par, Ben & Kate can make it quite a few seasons, but it's also extremely vulnerable at the 8:30 time slot. If FOX sees viewers leaving, you can bet Ben & Kate will get the boot quickly. I predict a full first season order and a second season return, but probably just a half season order to begin with.
Result: FOX brought the full season order early on in the series (October), but things aren't exactly looking peachy for a second season return.
Grade: Since FOX hasn't decided one way or another, I'll take a half point on this one.

Brickleberry (Comedy Central)
Original Prediction: Brickleberry does fairly well on Comedy Central and, while not hitting the success level set by South Park, sticks around for a few seasons.
Results: Sure enough, Brickleberry got its renewal for a second season in November.
Grade: Again, I'm once more spot on, so full credit goes to me.

Chicago Fire (NBC)
Comments: This show hasn't been spectacular and it's taken a good 4-5 weeks to get used to Chase not having an Aussie accent, but it's still good enough to stay on my watch list. It's definitely not the same genre as "Rescue Me" but I don't feel that "Chicago Fire" has been held back by being on NBC.
Original Prediction: Chicago Fire will probably do well enough to warrant a full season order and will get renewed for a second season. If the scenarios are interesting enough and we can come to care about the characters enough, expect a 4-5 season run. If not, season 2 will be the end of Chicago Fire.
Result: NBC picked up the full season order, but NBC has yet to grant "Chicago Fire" a second season renewal, though it definitely seems to be doing well enough to warrant that.
Grade: I'm taking another point on this one as I feel good about the renewal.

Elementary (CBS)
Comments: I've really enjoyed Elementary. Both the stars are captivating in their roles and their tenuous at times relationship. I'm looking forward to seeing how they'll be keeping Watson around since the rehab stint is finished.
Original Prediction: Elementary has a really good chance of  becoming a viewing staple of mine. Miller and Liu are great choices to star in this show so the whole package depends on the quality of the writing. Elementary should get a full season order and be back for at least 2-3 more seasons. We might see Holmes on our TV screen for quite a long time.
Result: Elementary is probably one of CBS's hottest shows right now and, as such, received a full season order.
Grade: You guessed it - another point for me, even if the official renewal has come down yet.

Emily Owens, MD (CW)
Original Prediction: While Emily Owens, MD could be a decent sitcom, it appears that the deck is stacked against it. Now, CW doesn't exactly have a reputation of being too quick on the cancellation trigger, so you can expect a full season out of this, but I don't see it being renewed for a second season.
Result: Emily Owens got the ax as predicted, however, the CW was uncharacteristically harsh and didn't order the full season.
Grade: No renewal for a second season and no full season order means only a half point for this fella.

Guys with Kids (NBC)
Original Prediction: Guys with Kids, while promising, will be underwhelming. I'm not sure this one will get a full season order and instead will just air the 13 episodes they've ordered and end it there.
Result: In an interesting move, Guys with Kids got an order from NBC of only 4 more episodes. You can be sure that this is a series sitting on the edge of the cliff.
Grade: Well, I wasn't wrong but I wasn't right, either. This one is a push.

Last Resort (ABC)
Comments: Last Resort is probably one of the best network TV shows airing right now. The problem is that Last Resort is the best TV show nobody is watching. I'm pissed that it's ending, but I'm glad they're going to wrap up the plot so as not to leave me hanging like I was with "Journeyman."
Original Prediction: Last Resort with a spectacular cast and The Shield caliber writing will be ABC's next dramatic success. Consider this one probably the best bet for a second season return.
Result: I blame it on the MLB Playoffs, the tough time slot and the elections for the failure of this show. But it has to be said...I whiffed on this one. Big time.
Grade: My first official miss and it's a doozy.

Made in Jersey (CBS)
Original Prediction: I don't think Made in Jersey is bad enough to get the early ax after only a few episodes, but I highly doubt it will make it past the first order of episodes and into a lengthened first season let alone a second season.
Result: Made in Jersey got the earliest cancellation of the season, even before I predicted its demise.
Grade: Still - I called it. CBS cancelled this shit-show, so I get the point.

Malibu Country (ABC)
Original Prediction: I hope this one doesn't get renewed for a second season, but Friday needs another half hour sitcom to pair with Last Man Standing. Expect this one back for a second season, unfortunately.
Result: It looks like Malibu Country received the ol' half assed 5 extra episodes order, but not a full season order. The fate of this lump of crap has yet to be decided for renewal or not.
Grade: Shit...I'm not even sure how to score this one, so I'll just take a half point and call it a day.

The Mindy Project (FOX)
Original Prediction: The Mindy Project is mostly going up against a handful of new shows and Don't Trust the B in Apt. 23 which was renewed for a second season, but doesn't have a strong following. Just through a lack of competition at the 9:30PM timeslot, I think it will return for a half order for season 2, but FOX will be looking to give the golden timeslot to a show that keeps the viewers around.
Result: The Mindy Project received a full order of 24 episodes but still ends up being hit or miss on the ratings, meaning FOX still doesn't know if it's bringing "Mindy" back or not.
Grade: I'm betting on a renewal for a second season as predicted just due to the quirky girl hour that is set up with Mindy and The New Girl. Full point for me.

The Mob Doctor (FOX)
Original Prediction: The Mob Doctor can be some compelling TV for FOX especially with the cast they've lined up for the show. I imagine it will get a full season order and come back for a season 2, just on a different day. If it does make it to a season 2, that's probably when I'll add it to my viewing list.
Result: FOX officially gave the boot to "The Mob Doctor" in late November, committing to airing the original 13 ordered episodes.
Grade: The Doc looked good, but tonal issue that I pulled out of my ass had some impact on the viewership. No renewal means a failing grade on this one. One more point in the losses column.

Nashville (ABC)
Original Prediction: Nashville will do a respectable job of hanging onto its lead in viewers which will be just enough for it to be renewed for a second season. After that, though, only the strength of the second season plot will allow it to continue past that.
Result: Nashville, unfortunately for humanity, received a full season order and will most likely be renewed.
Grade: Yep. It's bad for humanity, but the result is good for my score. Add one more point for me.

The Neighbors (ABC)
Original Prediction: The Neighbors will grace us with an early season cancellation. I predict 5-6 episodes air, tops.
Result: Believe it or not, this shitty show somehow got a full season order and is looking like it'll be brought back for a second one.
Grade: Consider this almost as surprising news as the cancellation of Last Resort. I'm not sure how this happened and I'd rather put it behind me and move on. One point in the loss column.

The New Normal (NBC)
Original Prediction: I think The New Normal will be slow going, but it'll garner enough of an audience for NBC to pull in a second season where it will really start to improve. This will be one to keep an eye on.
Result: The New Normal received a full season order very early on (in October) so things look to be going in the right direction so far. It also looks like it'll be coming back for a second.
Grade: I'll be taking another point for this one.

Partners (CBS)
Original Prediction: The Will and Grace fans will most likely come back to Partners, bringing with them an almost sure-fire bet of a second season return. Add that to the lead-in crowd from previously mentioned How I Met Your Mother and you've got a pretty sure bet even if Partners isn't great.
Result: Looks like I was good and wrong, as Partners was cancelled mid-November.
Grade: No beating around the bush with this one, so another point in the losses column.


Revolution (NBC)
Comments: Revolution has been a fun one to watch, even if the lead chick's character has started out as being insanely annoying but she's improved quite a bit from the beginning. Revolution isn't afraid to kill off larger characters, which is helpful, plus it's not exactly an expensive show to produce.
Original Prediction: Lately, J.J. Abrams shows haven't had a great track record, but the fans of his shows are loyal. I'm betting on Revolution being a good enough show that the fans will keep it around for a second season. Besides, with NBC's low standards, Revolution has a lower bar set for it.
Result: Revolution certainly received the full season order and looks like it'll be back for a second.
Grade: Spot on, good sir. Spot on. One more point for this guy.

Vegas (CBS)
Comments: I watched right around the first five episodes of Vegas and was bored close to tears. I couldn't stick with it, but it seems to not have stopped others.
Prediction; With a powerhouse cast and good writing, Vegas is a sure bet. I just hope it doesn't feel gimped by not being on a network like FX or HBO where there's a bit more freedom. Vegas will be back for a season 2, no doubt about it.
Result: Vegas received a full season order, but then the order was reduced by 2 episodes which were given to Elementary instead. It's not looking good for a second season right now, but it's still anyone's guess.
Grade: I was right about the full order (even though I didn't predict it, technically), but the second season renewal looks iffy enough that I'll take a half point.

Winter 2012 Grade: 10.5 - 4.5 - 1 (65.6%)
Fall 2012 Grade: 12.5 - 6.5 - 1 (62.5%)
Total so far: 23 - 11 - 2 (63.9%)

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Opportunity Assassins: State of Affairs

I know many of you are wondering "What the hell happened to the geniuses over at Opportunity Assassins?" The others among you aren't wondering what's happening, because what's a procrastinator without procrastination. Well, wonder no more.

The Opportunity Assassins haven't necessarily taken a leave of absence, but we've been toiling behind the scenes to bring you far more worthy content instead of half assing our posts and generally being bored by repetition. We love the format of our Lazy Ass Reviews and the ratings from our Opportunity Assassins Album Reviews have been nothing short of magical, but the real world schedules of the two of us have left little time for attacking the items on our plan sheets.

So what do we have up our sleeves? Well, first off is a revamp of the Opportunity Assassins blog. While many love the look of things here (especially the large image in the background), general readability can be vastly improved. Second, instead of having a set posting schedule, we'll be far more sporadic and only post when the mood strikes or the creative juices are flowing. Third, we'll be introducing some newer and better content. We here at the Opportunity Assassins have a good amount of ideas beyond the video and audio based entertainment industries. I have a general affinity for technology while Pete has a thirst for most if not all things sports. On top of this, we both have plenty of reasons to rant about any and all things but no place to put such rants. Opportunity Assassins will be the perfect home for these until we can find the time and resources to create the website we've been after from the start.

Anyway, that's it for now. Stay tuned...there's much more to come.

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Lazy Ass Reviews: Trouble with the Curve (2012)

Trouble with the Curve (2012)
A movie starring the epitome of the crazy old coot, Clint Eastwood (this time not talking to empty chairs), surprisingly good actor Justin Timberlake and red headed hotty (not to mention busy gal) Amy Adams, "Trouble with the Curve" takes a look into the life of the only MLB scout not using computers (and the only person with vision problems not smoking the reefer). This story could be said to be about baseball, but that's just a ruse for the world's collective girlfriends to get their boyfriends off the couch during MLB playoffs and see a semi-sappy movie with them. Have no doubt that this is actually a love story between a distanced father and daughter and an workaholic and walled up woman succumbing to the wily charms of a young heart throb - but guys, it's worth scoring a few points with your lady friends (plus you won't hate it).

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OAAR: Drowning Pool - Sinner (2001)

Back in the early 2000's (or as some would say, the aughts), a small band came out of nowhere in much the same way that many otherwise unknown acts came around - movie soundtracks. Drowning Pool was one of those bands. The first single off their debut album, Sinner, showed up in the trailer for the Vin Diesel version of Mission Impossible or James Bond flick for the new "Xtreme" generation, XXX (pronounced Triple X). This first single was a song that would go on to pollute every remotely action oriented movie, but would also launch the careers of friends of Pantera greats Dimebag Darrell (RIP) and Vinnie Paul into the stratosphere with Drowning Pool playing the second stage of 2001's Ozzfest (the first Ozzfest of my storied concert-going history). Shortly after the end of Ozzfest (and only months after Pete and I saw them) and during the beginning of what could have been a fantastic career, a heart defect would claim the life of front man Dave Williams (RIP). So with this in mind, the Opportunity Assassins bring you the only Drowning Pool album featuring the original lineup, Sinner.

The album opens fairly strongly with the title track, "Sinner." We get our first look at what Drowning Pool will be like and to be quite fair, quite a bit of what you'll hear for the rest of the album. This isn't to say that this album is bad, it's just pretty much middle of the road. It's actually unfortunate that "Sinner" is followed up by the aforementioned single, "Bodies," a toxic waste dump of a song that for whatever reason became so insanely popular that you still hear it to this day when someone's beating the shit out of someone. Now that over 10 years have passed I feel comfortable enough to say it once again..."Bodies" is probably one of the top 10 most pervasive shitstorms of a song of all time. Luckily for "Bodies" enough time has passed that I can feel comfortable giving it a 1, simply because it wasn't written or performed by LMFAO.

On the upside, the best song of the album, "Tear Away" washes out all the hurt caused by the previous track.  Williams does a lot of interesting things with either his voice or with the effects throughout the rest of the album, but musically, there's not all that much variation from song to song. The last quality track on the album is "Sermon," not surprisingly, also the second longest track after "Tear Away" and also the second most interesting. It's one of the few tracks that doesn't just go verse, chorus, verse, chorus and actually drops some changes of tempo and tone enough to keep you with it. Also, "Sermon" ends with some foreshadowing of a later Saliva single (and PS3 advert) plus some backwards stuff. Back when Sinner first came out, I actually grabbed down the end of "Sermon" and dropped it in a program to play it backwards and find out what Dave Williams says. Turns out it's "Tell me what you believe." I'll be damned.

Author: Jake

Drowning Pool is one of many turn of the century nü-metal bands that, a decade from now, will probably fade into obscurity.  Often, this is a result of lacking either the skill or the cojones to experiment with a sound, which, coincidentally, is something we here at Opportunity Assassins regularly rip into bands for.  But you can get an "A" for effort from us even if the experiment fails.  Sadly, Sinner is a foreshadowing of a band spitting out the same song eleven times on an album, so in anticipation of hearing the same shit over and over again we have both given this album an F (see sidebar).

Sinner is not without catchy riffs, solid hooks, and a couple ("Sinner" and "Tear Away") playlist-worthy songs.  But, much like Jake, having lived through the album's release I am unable to wash away the stink of "Bodies", which somehow became a cliche before it became popular, and went on (along with Papa Roach's "Last Resort") to infiltrate every high school hillbilly jock's playlist.  When you're one of two 3 minute breaks from a solid life of country music, you've already sort of abandoned the heavy metal community you sought acceptance from.  I don't begrudge the guys in Drowning Pool their royalty money from the song, which hit it big as a soundtrack offering upon release, but taken in context it's a huge disappointment.  Other up and coming bands (think Mudvayne's "Dig", or Seether's "Gasoline") actually released good songs before they got all gimmicky, which has earned them much more leeway on the music front.  I had a hard time rating this album, because I heard it so many times as a teenager that I know the words to basically all the songs, and in fairness the scores should be lower, but I felt like doing so would tear out a part of my history (and I own a ton of AC/DC albums, and all they do is make the same song over and over again, but at least their songs are good).  Regardless, if you've never heard this album, you're missing nothing at all.  And if you're going to try and defend "Bodies", remember this, it's a sonic abortion and I'm pro-choice.

Author: Pete

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Lazy Ass Reviews: End of Watch (2012)

End of Watch (2012)
Not just another cop movie, and the inside look in End of Watch is far different and more intense than Training Day.  It's very real and intense a la The Wire, but is much more about emotion than political commentary.  You could take a date to this movie, but it might get awkward, and I guarantee you'll be able to enjoy it solo too.

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Cable-pocalypse: CBS

It probably is an initial shock when looking at the OA Channel Rankings to see the bottom three rounded out by three of the major basic cable networks.  Let's be clear: they have much bigger shoes to fill.  If we looked based on an average programming rating for 24/7, stations like USA and TNT would move even higher in the rankings as they are able to cherry pick great dramas like House or Bones into their regular lineup.  Also remember that these rankings are composites of both my preferences and Jake's, and I'm fairly certain that helped bring CBS down a notch, but whatever.  Anyway, let's take a quick gander through the highs and lows of America's (supposedly) most-watched network.

COMEDY
Depending entirely on personal preference, CBS's comedy flagship is either How I Met Your Mother or The Big Bang Theory.  Personally, it's the latter, as I find all of the Big Bang characters to be great, while How I Met Your Mother relies a bit too heavily on Neil Patrick Harris's Barney Stinson. I tried 2 Broke Girls last year, but it's a collection of one-liners that's mashed together for 22 minutes every Monday and that's about it.  Whitney Cummings is a creator, and her humor is stamped all over this, but it's executed far more poorly than her own show (Whitney, NBC), and that's saying something.  Mike & Molly is evidence that CBS is far and away more willing to aim outside traditional success paradigms, as this is essentially a plus-sized comedy, and although I've only seen one episode, it was enjoyable.  Rules of Engagement has a few funny moments, but I think it's kept afloat by two-way lead-in viewers, and Two and A Half Men hasn't been the same since Charlie Sheen left (duh) (#notwinning).  Partners, the lone comedy premiere on CBS for this fall has made my short list of new shows, but only out of allegiance to David Krumholz, who was great as Charlie Eppes on Numb3rs.

DRAMA
I gave Blue Bloods a little more than two seasons of my attention, and while it does reach an impressively wide demographic (thanks to it starring both Donnie Wahlberg and Tom Selleck), it was falsely advertised as a conspiracy drama in its inception but instead is overly heavy handed with moralizing subplots and Sunday dinners.  I am now, however, planted firmly in the camp of "Tom Brady left Bridget Moynahan for Gisele?  What a dumbass."  Bridget, if you ever read this, call me.  (Also Tom, if you ever read this, you can call me too.  We can share hairstyle tips and talk about how awesome we are, and maybe even have a catch.)
With David Caruso and CSI:Miami getting the axe that leaves just the original and CSI:NY.  Also returning is the NCIS pairing (original and :Los Angeles), which, like the CSI pairing, are very watchable procedurals but hardly the best shows on the network, let alone TV. The last two seasons CBS has turned away from procedurals, but remains steadfast with the darkest show on network TV, Criminal Minds.  I'm intrigued by this show, and have enjoyed the episodes I've seen enough to consider catching up and adding it to my watch list, even though I think FBI profiling is bullcrap.
Among the other strong dramatic standouts are The Good Wife, Hawaii Five-O, The Mentalist, and my personal favorite new show from last year, Person of Interest.  Of the three new dramas the network is offering up this fall, I have no desire to see Made In Jersey, but have already programmed Elementary and Vegas into my TiVo.  Sherlock Holmes and Batman are my two favorite characters of all time, so Elementary is a shoe-in for my viewership and I will probably be unable to be rational about the show until well after the first season is over.  As for Vegas, it is a monumental moment, as I have reneged on my vow to never willingly watch anything with Dennis Quaid in it ever again.  If he lets me down for the 385th consecutive time (The Day After Tomorrow counted for at least 250) I will not be responsible for the ensuing violence.

CONTEST/REALITY
CBS launched all of this reality garbage with Survivor over a decade ago, and I still haven't watched an episode (although I do hope Jeff Kent gets bit by a snake or something, that asshole).  Big Brother and The Amazing Race have very loyal followings, and that's important because neither will pull down the numbers of an American Idol.  At least CBS has pretty much avoided singing talent competitions, although they have a show called 3, that looks to be a poor adaptation of the dating reality shows.  As for "scripted" reality TV, there's the animal-friendly Dogs in the City, as well as the class conflict based weekly restore-your-faith-in-humanity tearjerker Undercover Boss.

TALK SHOWS
CBS has anchored its talk show timeslots with David Letterman since I was born, and while I understand the merit and quality of his show, I'm beginning to truly feel that these preferences are very much generational (I personally am an unwavering Jimmy Kimmel apologist).  The Late Late Show, once manned by top five "Where is he now?" personality Craig Kilborn is now hosted by Craig Ferguson (Mr. Wick of The Drew Carey Show fame).  Ferguson is funny, but he is rarely appointment television and, in fact, might just be insane.

SPORTS
When CBS cut their contract with Gus Johnson, I was ready to riot, but then he got the FOX job.  CBS's coverage of the NFL is much better than their competitors, even if their eternally grainy standard definition signal is so burned into my corneas that I can't watch the games in HD without hallucinating static and color spots.  Their newly combined promotion (with TNT, TBS, and TruTV) and coverage of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament solidifies the network's place atop the sports coverage ratings in my eyes, as they have done a masterful job providing viewers with a chance to witness every game – if you have enough TVs – of the most exciting four day's in sports: the tournament's opening weekend.  The largest blemish on their resume is the fact that my cable provider (Time Warner Cocksucker Cable Company) wants to charge me $5.95 to receive the satellite station CBS Sports in an upgraded sports tier.

DAYTIME/SOAP
While some Soaps are dying (All My Children), CBS is still holding strong with both The Bold and the Beautiful and The Young and the Restless, even though the OnDemand features and strong scripted shows on cable channels are simultaneously shrinking and obliterating the appointment television demographic.  CBS still provides a number of game shows that were a major portion of my kindergarten-5th grade viewing experience, and although I don't watch regularly, every now and then I'll be surfing through the channels and stop on The Price is Right or Jeopardy! or Wheel of Fortune.

NEWS
Again (and forever) I don't watch the news, but CBS's specialized news programming – 60 Minutes and 48 Hours – make up two-thirds of the staples from my youth (the other being ABC's 20/20).

Overall CBS does the best to reach the largest demographic of the four major networks, varying their types of programming and avoiding niche with their comedies and their dramas.  Why, then, you ask, is CBS currently rated at 9 on the Opportunity Assassins' Cable-pocalypse rating chart?  Part of it is precisely that the station reaches the largest demographic of the four major networks.  When that is the case, I'm far less likely to ever start watching certain shows (The David Letterman Show) and more likely to end my relationship with others (Blue Bloods).  In the months to come, with a more in depth look at each station's programming, I predict and upward trend for the eye.  To CBS's credit, their schedule features more truly scripted primetime television than the other three majors, and that fact will be even more beneficial for the network if their fall premieres are as strong as they look to be.  But only time, and Dennis Quaid, can truly tell.

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OAAR: Audioslave - Revelations (2006)

If there's nothing else I love about these Opportunity Assassins Album Reviews, it's the opportunity to get around to albums I haven't had the chance to hear yet. In true Opportunity Assassins form, Audioslave's third and final album, Revelations, has been an album I just haven't had the chance to get around to until tonight. So while I'm sure I've heard at least a couple singles from this album, the entire experience is new to me. So let's get down to wrapping up Audioslave, shall we?

Revelations stars off with what would appear to be an Audioslave standard with pretty straightforward title track, "Revelations." Sure, it's a decent way to start out the third album by leading with the firmed up Audioslave song, but it just doesn't really get me into the album. We'll leave that job to "One and the Same," a great track featuring solid vocals and a great classic Tom Morello guitar solo complete with fun effects. "Sound of a Gun" keeps things going with a solid heavy sound and simple guitar riffs that make the third track actually quite catchy. While Audioslave pulls back and delivers a somewhat mediocre effort with "Until We Fall," they quickly turn it right back around with "Original Fire," a song that I'm sure will one day be considered a great example of what Audioslave rock was all about.

The middle part of Revelations is a pretty strong showing of some great Audioslave chemistry from "Broken City" to "Wide Awake." While none of these tracks in particular really stands out head and shoulders above the rest, the funky jam of "Somedays" is probably sitting out on the highest peak in that particular range. After coming down a bit in the middle, the last two songs provide a really nice bookend to the Audioslave experiment that lasted about four years in total. "Nothing Left to Say But Goodbye," while not exactly the greatest song title for the second to last track brings us quite well into the finale, "Moth," which reminds us just what kind of song writing abilities the band has. Oddly enough, though, they decided to fade out on the last track which just doesn't quite give the satisfaction of completion that I was looking for. Oh well, though. They can always get back together down the road, right?

Author: Jake

Audioslave's final album, Revelations, provides some mixed reaction as it showcases both intricate songwriting and what are easily the best lyrics that Cornell produced within the group.  There is no better example of this than the album's first single, "Original Fire", which is a horrible song that is saved from a 2 or worse rating by the refrain – "The original fire has died and gone, but the riot inside moves on" – which is a metaphor that plays out very strongly throughout the album, the band's history, and probably even connects with each listener in a very specific way.  In essence, "Original Fire" is the exact opposite of Out of Exile's "Be Yourself". 

Another solid lyrical offering is the album's penultimate track "Nothing Left To Say But Goodbye", which offers the sorrowful observation:

"Just like a rescue of a stray dog in the rain I was hungry when you found me
And you can tell by my tail and my ribcage what was once around me"Politics begin to creep in through the Hurricane Katrina-inspired "Wide Awake", but surprisingly the song as a whole delivers so well I was unable to mark it down for that, while the heavy jam "Broken City" is full of cool dystopian lyrics, not the least of which is "...no one cares about climbin' stairs, nothin' at the top no more".

For all the good lyrics and varied riffs that weave an enjoyable picture, Revelations is ultimately just okay, and thus ultimately forgettable.  While filled with metaphors both simple and deep, the album is unable to escape the metaphor (perhaps for the band itself?) that its opening and title track, "Revelations", is by far the best song on the album, and all the others are simply marking time until the end.  In Cornell's own words, "I know what I know why don't you fill in the rest?"

Author:  Pete

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OAAR: Led Zeppelin - Houses of the Holy (1973)

Led Zeppelin's fifth studio album, Houses of the Holy is the first non-numbered album (depending what you call Led Zeppelin IV). So far we've come to expect nothing but classic tune after classic tune from our boys from across the pond so I have to say, after looking at the track list and for being the first time listening to this album, I'm interested to see what Led Zeppelin will bring to the party for the fifth outing - whether it's more of the same or more of an experimental good time.

Opening up Houses of the Holy is the song "The Song Remains the Same," which is a title that doesn't quite capture the more instrumental heavy first track with a bit of vocals spread in for good measure. I love Page's guitar riffs John Paul Jones' prominent bass lines which, on their own, get the opening track a score of 4, but without more subdued vocal track from Plant, I just can't give it a perfect 5. After a more subdued but musically superb second track where the production quality really stands out, we're welcomed by our first classic tune from the fifth compilation of tracks, "Over the Hills and Far Away." I love Jimmy Page's clean strumming guitar over a shining example of great bass playing leading into Plant's vocals. The solo, to no one's surprise, is a fun dual guitar riffing good time. Everything from the first note to the last chord is a masterpiece. Of course, the first half of the album wouldn't be complete without the funky bass lines and swinging time signatures found in "The Crunge." Going into this album, I was thinking what an odd name for a song that was, but now that I've heard it, I now completely understand. Where is that confounded bridge anyway?

Leading off the second half of Houses is the recognizable riff, but overall less well known track, "Dancing Days." Another great new tune with a bit of a Hawaiian flare and featuring Plant's fantastic vocal acumen is difficult to correctly pronounce by just looking at the title, "D'yer Mak'er," which I have no clue what that means. Regardless, it's another recognizable Zeppelin song and as some of the Brits would say, a stonking good time. Probably the most surprising (pleasantly so) addition is the almost instrumental "No Quarter," adding synthesized keys and some piano along with a good amount of distorted guitar. It's an auditory pleasure or, as Kevin Smith (Silent Bob) would say, an Ear-gasm (Pete calls it an Aur-gasm). Closing out the album is the equally enjoyable "The Ocean." All in all, I didn't think I would like any albums better than Led Zeppelin IV, but I have to say, Houses of the Holy is quite the enjoyable experience and takes over as the top album reviewed so far.

Author: Jake

It's obvious very early on in Houses of the Holy that Zeppelin are both willing to experiment with their songwriting and that their experiments are successes.  (As we will see down the road, however, even for Zeppelin this doesn't last.)  The songs on Houses of the Holy can fit into two basic categories: traditional rock'n'roll song, and everything else.  The traditional songs, ("The Song Remains The Same", "The Rain Song", "Dancing Days", and "The Ocean") are strong offerings, but not phenomenal.  I was especially disappointed with the album's only true ballad "Rain Song", which pales in comparative quality to "Tangerine" (LZIII) or even "Going To California (LZIV/Zoso).

As for the 'everything else' songs, "No Quarter" is the rare instance of a song that is good, but is out-shined entirely by an inspired cover, in this case by prog-metal deities TOOL.  "Over The Hills And Far Away" could perhaps be considered traditional in its sound, but the number of distinct themes spread over the five minutes have me put it in the "other" category.  Along with "Bring It On Home", "Hills" is a rather hidden Zeppelin gem that sits firmly in my top rotation from now until eternity.  The weird, zydeco-reggae-slow-jam that is "D'yer Mak'er" is easily the most unique song on the album, and a second listen through makes me wonder why I didn't give it a 5, while "The Crunge" is unique in a kind of unsettling way, as Robert Plant channels his inner performance artist to – as far as I can tell – complain about a bridge.

Overall, Houses of the Holy has the great feature that it is just as good listening straight through as it is skipping around or taking in only a song or two at a time.  Variety and solid songwriting, along with some very memorable melodies and, quite simply, some memorable sounds, made for an enjoyable return listen, and many of the songs will see a bump in my iTunes playlist going forward.

Author: Pete

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OAAR: Audioslave - Out of Exile (2005)

I was such a big fan of the first Audioslave album that I'm actually surprised I never picked up the second or third iterations of Audioslave tune collections. So this is actually the first time I've heard Out of Exile in its entirety. Of course, since I listen to enough rock, I've heard the four singles off Out of Exile but the rest of the album will be a mystery.

Opening up the album is "Your Time Has Come," a solid rock track, with a bit of Tom Morello thrown in for good measure, but compared to how Audioslave opened, the sophomore album from Audioslave more or less eases you into the music as opposed to slapping you in the face with an auditory sledge hammer. What starts becoming apparent once you hit "Be Yourself" and "Dosen't Remind Me" is that fact that while we still have Chris Cornell and Tom Morello, we have less of their wholly independent musical identities and more of a meld between the two artists leaving us with the more pure Rock & Roll experience. It's also no wonder that the first four tracks of Out of Exile were the four singles released from the album because of their more mainstream appeal.

A weird thing seems to happen around the middle of the album though. You know when you come to a stop behind another car at the lights, then the lights turn green and you and the car in front of you accelerates but you're accelerating a bit faster so you have to completely pull your foot off the gas while the car in front picks up speed and gets to a point where you can speed up again? That jarring moment when your car's clutch kicks in perfectly describes how the three track set of "Drown Me Slowly," "Heaven's Dead" and "The Worm" feels to me. Sure, you can count on Audioslave to bring their talent to all of these tracks, but through "Man or Animal," there wasn't a single moment that made me say "Wow." Overall while Out of Exile isn't a bad album, it's pretty forgetful for the most part. I'm not really sure what happened between the first two albums, but it just doesn't have the punch that the first one did. There really isn't much else to say.

Author: Jake

Out of Exile is a near perfectly crafted follow up to the band's 2002 self-title debut – at least as far as my criticism of that album is concerned.  The opening track, "Your Time Has Come", is hauntingly reminiscent of the whole of Audioslave in its construction and at first made me wonder whether this album too would be an hour of wonderful aural stasis, but stasis nonetheless.  Then the album's title track kicked in and all my worries were washed away in uptempo rock and doubled and harmonized vocal lines.  Out of Exile, much like its predecessor, is full of strong songwriting, but it is far more varied in individual song stylings, which nets it a high experience score while keeping the album's overall score a bit lower.  It is evident by the midway point that what we're being treated to is truly the sophomore effort of Audioslave, and not just a second run at a supergroup album, and that's a very enjoyable reality.

While the flow from uptempo rock to ballads and back is more traditional, the album's two most popular songs, "Be Yourself" and "Doesn't Remind Me", provide a unique pairing early in the album.  "Be Yourself", which was the album's first single, is a terrible song.  Its positive refrain of "to be yourself is all that you can do" seems like it should be the slogan for one of the new anti-bullying campaigns that are all the rage now in America.  The lyric comes across as forced and phony and fails to acknowledge anything about the real world; it's place more at home in a G.I. Joe cartoon than on a rock album.  And, like all cheesy, crappy lyrics, the band has decided it is the only line of the refrain, so you're forced to listen to it over and over again.  In contrast, the anti-nostalgia of "Doesn't Remind Me" is refreshing, and the lyrics may be the best Cornell has written for an Audioslave song.  The whole premise of the song – that Cornell is looking to enjoy things for which he has no historical memory or nostalgia; in essence, to experience something truly new – is fascinating to me personally, and the song is crafted and executed extremely well.  It's easily the only 5 on the album, and I might have tried to get away with giving it a 7 were it not for the fact that it has to pull the listening audience up from the four and a half minutes of landfill that "Be Yourself" is.  If you take nothing else away from this review, get "Doesn't Remind Me" on your iPod, pronto.

Author: Pete

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Lazy Ass Reviews: Lawless (2012)

Lawless (2012)

Tom Hardy is the man (obviously), and he's great in this particular role as bootlegger Forrest Bonderant.  Ever since the release of The Dark Knight, there seems to have been an uptick in taking unique villains seriously, and Guy Pearce does an exceptional job as the eccentric (dare we say flamboyant?) Special Deputy Charlie Rakes.  Characters are important in this movie, especially because the plot is a bit thin, but the movie is extremely enjoyable and worth your time and money, even if you just hit a budget theater in a couple weeks.

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Lazy Ass Reviews: The Apparition (2012)

The Apparition (2012)

I keep going to horror movies and expecting them to have some redeeming qualities.  Much to no one's surprise, this movie has none.  A bad plot is poorly executed, bad dialog is poorly delivered, and a refund is your only thought as soon as the opening credits hit.  Ashley Greene looks good; in fact the actual "apparition" should be her legs, which have a prominent role in the early minutes of the movie.  But after the first "tense" scene (in which Greene is wearing panties that are probably, thankfully, a size too small) the "seriousness" gets amped up and the clothes stay on.  Don't waste your time, and especially don't waste your money.

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White Hot Anticipation: Borderlands 2

We here at Opportunity Assassins have mainly focused on Movies, Music, and TV so far. We haven't yet really spent much time on the number one procrastination tool, Video Games, so today we're introducing our new segment called "White Hot Anticipation." The purpose of White Hot Anticipation will be to look forward to games that are coming out soon. These games may be new properties, sequels or otherwise but the one key will be that the games we'll look at are games we'll actually buy new right around release time (like idiots) instead of waiting until the inevitable Game of the Year edition is released (like smart people). The first will look at one of the best games I've played in recent history returning with a vengeance for a second round, Borderlands 2

For those of you out there who are not familiar with Borderlands, the game is a first person shooter based RPG more or less. There are a few key features that made Borderlands stand out: the bazillions of different guns, the hilariously creative characters, the cell shaded art style and the open map all made Borderlands a unique experience. On top of that, the RPG elements weren't too much of a pain in the ass. Of course there were the classic "I need a bunch of this shit, so go get it for me" type quests, but if you stuck with it the whole way through, you didn't need to go "grind" it out (just killing a bunch of random monsters to level up) in order to take down the next boss. Rather than telling you all about the kinds of humor and animation found in the game, why don't I just show you one of the "Making Of" clips starring the best character in the game, Claptrap.



This character is so beloved by fans of the game that the great folks over at Gearbox have provided videos for marriage proposals and even a heartfelt memorial to a big Borderlands Fan. See them both in order below.



She said yes, by the way (watch it here).



In addition to the Eulogy, Gearbox has promised to add a new NPC in Borderlands 2 called "Mamaril" in honor of Michael. I've never seen such commitment from a developer to their fans and they are, indeed, a class act over at Gearbox.

This brings us to Borderlands 2, the extremely ambitious sequel to an already ambitious initial offering of Borderlands. No doubt, if you were watching the NFL on FOX during week 1 you saw a live action commercial promoting Borderlands 2 plus a little thing with Claptrap and the FOX NFL robot Cleatus. What has me really excited for Borderlands 2, though, are all the new character classes they're bringing. For the first time in these types of games, I actually want to play all of the different character classes: the dual wielding Gunzerker named Salvador, stealth killer Assassin named Zero, magic wielding Siren named Maya and gun turret champion Commando named Axton. Not only those four, but Gearbox is adding a fifth character class, whose "pets" are big robots , the Mechromancer named Gaige. The mechromancer class will be available on October 10 for $10 or is free to those who preorder. Each character is insanely unique and with the new level up system Gearbox added to Borderlands 2, it'll be worth playing through with each character.

In addition to the new character classes, Gearbox has upgraded pretty much everything about the game. They've added more possible weapon combinations, including the grenades, and more variety of enemies. In Borderlands, the landscapes weren't all that varying so it's awesome to see that they've added some additional awesome locals. And, of course, Claptrap is back in the sequel. What I'm looking forward to the most is the story and how the Gearbox team will bring the humor and feeling of the first iteration back to the sequel. Everything I've seen so far points to it being as good as, if not better than, the original Borderlands. But that's enough jabbering from me. Why don't I just let Sir Hammerlock tell you all about the wonderful world of Borderlands 2.



Borderlands 2 comes out on Tuesday, September 18. You can find me in then out in Pandora under PSN ID: VladDracul1431.

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Cable-pocalypse: NBC

We start our Cable-pocalypse ratings rants with NBC, a station that pulls down only 1 of the insane 26 television programs that I currently watch on a regular basis (Whitney).  I've flirted with NBC before, though.  In fact, it was the success of the first season of Heroes, that wonderfully conceived, horrifically executed semi-drama, that got me back into watching a lot of scripted TV.  NBC's track record is shaky at best with dramas, however.  Last Fall's Awake was a really intriguing concept that was axed mid-season and ended in the most cliched way possible, souring me simultaneously to the network and to the show's creators, because I couldn't figure out who had a bigger hand in the awful end.  Fellow Opportunity Assassin Jake was a huge fan of Chuck, and although I've never seen an episode I imagine that the show tapped into a niche group that is still wandering in the television ether, not fully content to change the channel to SyFy nor to USA.  And at the core, I think their poor grasp of demographic aim is what fails NBC the most.

COMEDY
An insane amount of NBC's time is dedicated to its comedic shows.  30 Rock, Animal Practice, Betty White's Off Their Rockers, Community, Go On, The Office, Parenthood, Parks and Recreation, Saturday Night Live, Up All Night, and Whitney are comedies that currently occupy programming slots for the network.  Add in this fall's Guys with Kids, and The New Normal and that means a full third of NBC programs are comedies.  When you step back and take stock of these thirteen shows you see that they only aim for a single niche within the comedy audience.  Perhaps best described as the quirky, off-beat comedies that could be arguably loosely based on the original The Office and will be fervently consumed by Arrested Development fans, too much of this block of programming is hit or miss.  Parenthood skates by as a "dramedy", and Go On and Guys With Kids appear to be more traditional sitcoms and that does not bode well for either on NBC.
Saturday Night Live is at a crossroads.  The show's apex in the early '90s will never be topped and it's foolish for us to imagine that possibility, but the heavy political direction of the show in recent years (remember all those politics-themed special half hours?) are edging the SNL crew dangerously close to Daily Show/Colbert Report territory.  And the minds that bring you SNL weekly are more pure comedians and less the expert satirists who work on The Daily Show.
I know, even as I watch the episodes, that Whitney is a mediocre show that fails more often than not, but I enjoy Chris D'Elia and Whitney Cummings both, and were they ever to transition this show to a network and time where they could be a little more free with their subject matter (and maybe get some better writers) it could survive.  Survival is unlikely, however, as the condition of the show has gone terminal.  A dreaded move to Fridays at 8 coupled with the even more dreaded mid-season premiere (Oct. 19) for a returning poor performer likely spells the end for this so-so 3.8% of my TV viewing schedule.

DRAMA
For far too many years, NBC has staked an unsafe portion of their dramas with the various Law & Order procedurals.  They've finally whittled it down to only one, but have done a poor job of replacing it.  Smash, as I've written earlier, is a phenomenally executed concept that provides the network with a chance to make an impact play on Monday nights now that House has pulled the plug.  In the same vein, the surprisingly well-received Grimm may draw viewers who are looking to find a stable replacement for another soon-ending FOX drama, Fringe.  The fall additions are once again luring me back in, as the blackout-aftermath Revolution is the latest J.J. Abrams project to hit TV, and Chicago Fire will get my eyes for at least two episodes simply because Dr. Chase from House is in it.
Depending upon how old you are, dear reader, you might consider Parenthood more on the drama side of 'dramedy' and, bingo, there's your problem.  Saving Hope's problem is that it sounds just like FOX's (detecting a theme yet?) Raising Hope, which is a comedy, not a drama, and way funnier.  Okay, actually the problem with Saving Hope is that I had no fucking idea what it was about until I clicked on it in NBC's show list.

CONTEST/REALITY
I begin with the full disclaimer that I never watch either of these kind of shows because they're absolute garbage.  That said, it makes a lot of sense to have a few on hand to draw in the lemmings and buoy ratings.  (Or, if you're FOX, keep your schedule alive on the cheap while you cancel all the actual good scripted programming.)
Let's be honest, The Voice should pay royalties to Susan Boyle, because it's a show about how you don't have to "look good" to be a good singer.  HOLY SHIT I HAD NO IDEA.  Appropriately, one of the judges is midget Cee-Lo Green, while the other three people are attractive.  Anyway, this is not some performance-over-appearance TV show, because once the judges see you they're biased (probably).  If NBC really wanted to revolutionize the singing competition, they'd keep all the contestants behind screens for the duration of the show and give them fake names.  Do you know how much internet buzz that would create?  As for America's Got Talent, at least they let you show off doing something other than singing or dancing...although I've never watched an episode so I don't know if that actually happens.
Stars Earn Stripes was obviously conceived by someone looking to exploit patriotism and troop appreciation (and get Dean Cain back on TV), and whoever that was should be immediately turned into an IED.  Not to be outdone, NBC is somehow on a second season of a show called American Ninja Warrior, and when I clicked on this link I got really confused, and then sad, trying to figure out what it was, so you should probably only view it as punishment for a seriously original sin.  Speaking of original sins, Love in the Wild, anyone?
Fashion Star is either a spin-off of Project Runway or a secret social experiment to see if there's any time I would not sleep with Jessica Simpson (hint: yes, on this show).  I think the fact that the Celebrity Apprentice money goes to charity is cool, and when Adam Carolla was on I almost watched it.  I say almost because it was more exciting listening to him talk about it on his podcast than it would have been to actually watch the show.
The show I have the biggest issue with, however, is Biggest Loser.  Now, the premise is great.  As someone who struggles routinely to counter his fatass tendencies, I know that sometimes you just need a serious kick in the ass to change your ways, and man-boobing my television is an embarrassment on that level.  I once had a roommate who cried regularly during this show, and I couldn't understand why.  She said something about being happy for them or whatever (not really sure, I was probably mesmerized - not in the good way - by another topless weigh-in).  But my point has always been this: If I was morbidly obese, say 500 pounds, and I went on a show where they basically told me that they were going to shame me into losing weight, and that the result would be that I lived a longer, better life and they were footing the bill, it would be really fucking difficult not to succeed.  What I would like to see is Biggest Loser:10 Years Later and see how many people who lost over half their bodyweight have put 50 pounds back on.  I'm not saying the show isn't positive for some, maybe even most, of the contestants.  What I'm saying is the spectacle of self-congratulation that people take from watching this show is sickening.  It's like The Hunger Games, or The Running Man but in real life, shilled as captivating prime-time television.  Oh the humanity.

TALK SHOWS
After the great Conan Debacle of 2011, Jay Leno is back hosting The Tonight Show.  I rarely tune to any talk show, but he and Letterman still land the biggest guests per capita so they usually get my eyes every once in a while.  Leno sadly might be the only place NBC is able to pull in the senior citizen demo, which, in fairness, is horribly underrepresented on all networks.  I haven't watched Carson Daly do anything since he was playing 43 seconds of each music video that a bunch of nubile teenagers "voted" on.  I also don't watch Jimmy Fallon, because I personally don't think him that funny.  He definitely has a fitting personality for talk shows, however, and hopefully people that really enjoy this genre tune in to him or Jimmy Kimmel (by far the best host on TV) instead of Conan, because....UNPOPULAR OPINION ALERT...Conan O'Brien isn't funny.  Like at all.  Weird how that turned out to be the shrewdest move NBC has made in years.

SPORTS
To be honest, NBC's sports coverage is pretty good.  Sunday Night Football and its lead-in, Football Night in America, are both great shows if you take a bathroom break when Peter King is on and have the mute button handy depending on how blowhard Costas is being on a given day.  NBC would get huge points for not overexerting themselves and excelling at one show if they hadn't summarily tanked their coverage of the London Olympics.  Sadly, I don't see them growing their sports coverage much (it was pulling teeth just to get the Stanley Cup Finals onto network TV) and that means that my dear Michelle Beadle has gone on to a network that will hide her much more than they should.  Hope they paid you well, Beads.

DAYTIME/SOAP
I'm not even sure who hosts Today because I don't get up before noon, but they probably get paid too much to do it, and the show lost any hope of my viewership when I saw on the webiste that they were boasting a live performance by Train.  At least the flesh-eating virus girl got top billing and Days of Our Lives is still kicking.

NEWS
I don't watch any news save Sportscenter, but Dateline rings a bell with me and Rock Center with Brian Williams seems to be what John Stossel wishes he could have been but cooler, so I'm down with that even though I'll never watch.


Overall, NBC appears to be the network of "good enough".  They have a few genre and demographic niches that they pull in with stunning regularity, but unlike the cable stations (primarily AMC, FX, and USA) they are loathe to experiment in any serious way.  It seems as though they are waiting for a weakness to be exposed with one of the other rival major networks and jump at it, but I don't see that happening any time soon.  NBC's most unique characteristic – and the one that may just pull it out of the cellar one day – is how often their scripted TV features elements of fantasy or supernatural literature writing (i.e. Grimm or Revolution).  But try as they might, stations like FOX (Fringe) and ABC (Once Upon A Time) seem to hit home runs effortlessly while NBC is endlessly striking out.  With the last season of comedy flagship The Office set to premiere (amidst steady ratings drops the past three years), it could be a long Fall/Winter for the peacock.

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